Mens insecurities with dating

What are the seven insecurities about men you discovered in your research?

1. Negative thoughts: Thoughts that develop in your childhood that are incorrect ways to respond. You need to address the issues and deal with them.
2. Lack of open-mindedness: Stems from negative thinking. You’re not willing to listen or embrace your partner’s way of thinking. You’re acting on pride, and it’s a form of control.
3. Manhood: Men learn behaviors and they become values/beliefs, and cause them to respond in a specific way in a relationship. They will adapt, run, or behave in the way they’re used to behaving.
4. Pride: I’m going to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Men feel they are supposed to behave a certain way because of their mental, values, beliefs, culture. 
5. Low self-esteem: Any insecurity that rears its ugly head. Often based on how you were raised. You don’t value yourself. 
6. Making less than your partner: There’s a lot of role-shifting today where men are home and women are out making the money. This can create an identity crisis. 
7. Performance issues: Most of these occur with men over 50. That can happen with men and women as hormones change. It can affect manhood as well. 

What causes those insecurities?

Our environment influences so much. You learn thoughts and interpret them according to your environment: how your mother and father treated you, your culture, whether you had two loving parents, etc.

Around age 12, your beliefs and values are interpreted and you respond the way you’ve learned according to your background.

What happened to your husband that influenced his relationships?

He grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, very poor, his father wasn’t around, and his mother was abusive—physically and mentally. He was still a happy child.

As a teen, his mom tried to control his behavior. She used mental and physical abuse, and he internalized that into anger. He began to have all kinds of problems in relationships. He had fought for respect to defend himself. His relationships began to fail, and he received feedback from people. He didn’t believe it at first. And after a few failed, he realized there must be truth in what people were saying.

After his awareness, he realized he had to do something. He began to change. It began with his thinking. He began to think about the course of his life, and built healthier relationships. It took time, and it was well into his late thirties and forties that he began to see the results of his changes.

Our relationship is wonderful now. We have learned to communicate and listen and be respectful and open-minded.

What strategies would you suggest to help men overcome these insecurities?

Recognize that you have problems. Build trust so you can communicate openly, especially your insecurities and your feelings. Brainstorm together about solutions and strategy planning to resolve the issues.

In your book, you mention the importance of healthy communication. Can you share one of your favorite communication tools?

Deescalation. Calm discussions. Best not to talk when heated. Don’t accuse or blame. Don’t point fingers or bring up the past. 

What’s your most important idea to impart to our audience about having a successful relationship?

Communicate with your partner about anything, even your insecurities. Discuss it calmly, effectively, and openly.

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