Guy showing me off not dating reddit

For a long time, Jenny thought she was to blame for men treating her badly.

"I've often believed I have to change, and accept whatever is thrown my way," the 36-year-old says.

Discovering the subreddit Female Dating Strategy (FDS) helped her take control of her love life.

"When I first started reading the posts on FDS, I felt very empowered.

"Being able to connect with other women on the forum helped me understand that I subconsciously seek out guys who are not right for me."

The female-only forum on social media platform Reddit has 100,000 subscribers and describes itself as a place to discuss effective dating strategies for women.

That's a strong subscriber base considering all members are women and Reddit is a male-dominated space, says Dr Emily van der Nagel, a lecturer in social media at Monash University.

She says the easiest way to understand FDS is to think of it as a reaction to the phenomenon of 'pick-up artistry'.

"The pick-up artist mindset and goal is really to turn the pursuit of women into a game — assuming it has specific rules and women behave in certain ways that are ripe for exploitation.

"FDS feeds into that model. It treats dating and relationships as a game."

While it's helped Jenny stop settling for toxic men, FDS's entrenched ideologies mean it's not a safe space for everyone.

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What is Female Dating Strategy?

Female Dating Strategy encourages women to "level-up" and seek a "high-value man" who will treat them like a queen.

"We discuss how to maintain a healthy relationship that benefits you," the bio states.

Subscribers are encouraged to read the FDS Handbook before posting, and are warned any posts contradicting the group's ideology will be removed.

That's typical for a successful subreddit, explains Dr van der Nagel, who says they benefit from being specific about what is allowed. (People will upvote relevant content and downvote that which is irrelevant.)

Some of the group's principles include:

• Being a "high value" woman — one who doesn't revolve her life around men, with her own career and hobbies;
• Letting men do the chasing. A man's role is to be the pursuer, the one to convince you that he's the right man for you. As a woman, you don't have to prove yourself to him;
• Not having sex before commitment has been established.

Other themes that hint at the subreddit's sexually conservative nature include disapproval of consensual BDSM and watching porn.

"The idea is it's geared towards women who are seeking healthy relationships — and that sounds like a positive thing," says Dr van der Nagel.

But she says it's a valid criticism the group is only advancing a specific version of female dating.

"This is a subreddit that has a limited perspective on what women want, how they work and what their goals and aims are.

"It is a space for monogamy and heteronormativity. It's not queer-friendly.

"It doesn't leave any room for women who do want to sleep around — which is a perfectly fine way to approach dating if you are a woman whose enjoyment of dating comes from casual hooks-ups with men or other women."

Jenny says while she doesn't agree with all of FDS's beliefs, it has helped shift her perspective about men.

"While I do consider myself a modern, feminist woman, I can't say the modern approach of taking the initiative of asking out a guy has always worked out for me.

"[FDS] helped me realise that a lot of men are still hard-wired to love the chase and don't always respect women who are easy to win over by taking control.

"Men want to feel as if they have to work to earn your love and if they aren't treating you in line with your standards from the very beginning, they never will."

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Should dating be considered a game?

Dr van der Nagel says FDS is trying to "beat the boys at their own game".

Whether that's a good thing or not will depend on your personal view.

Ruth Sowter is a sex, love and relationship coach in Melbourne.

She says women attracted to Female Dating Strategy have likely had bad dating experiences in the past.

"It's a human tendency to want to protect ourselves, and understand how to relate to people.

"We want to date in a way that's safe and [where] we're treated well, but movements [like FDS] really suck in vulnerable and angry people, and they kind of fuel those feelings."

She says it's OK to treat dating as a game, as long as it's fun and kind.

"It should be fun and playful. The energy you put in is the energy you will get back.

"When it becomes a survival game, then that's a negative scenario."

Advice for using FDS

Jenny says in her experience, you don't have to fully agree with everything in the FDS handbook to still benefit from it.

"I consider myself to be a woman who is currently not looking for anything serious and should the opportunity arise, I am open towards having a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits."

Ms Sowter says if you are going to dive into FDS, try to just take away what works for you.

"Some of the stuff about attachment styles and trauma is useful and powerful info.

"It might be one of those things, taking what works for you and leaving the rest."

She also recommends trying a bunch of different things when it comes to dating.

"It's easy to go down one path — but a good rule of thumb to learn more dating skills is to mix it up."

Dr van der Nagel says there are a lot of positive stories on FDS such as "My ex used to do this and made me feel awful, but now I have a high-value man and he is respectful".

"It reflects very traditional gender roles, but if I was actively searching for positive, the general message of 'You are a queen, you deserve a high-value man', if that's what it takes for her to get that, that could be a good thing."