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HOME'I Would Probably Hate It!' Japanese Girls Respond to Foreign Guy's Dating Tips

Date published: 6 April 2020
Last updated: 27 October 2020

Looking for love in Japan is difficult! So we asked an experienced dater how to pick up girls - but what did the girls have to say?

Lots of men come to Japan in search of some international romance. And why not? Whether you’re in search of the thrill of a quick fling or something more long-term, travel offers the perfect opportunity to meet loads of new people while having fun.

We’ve got our tips from a man with years of experience dating Japanese women. Our guru, G (26, Australian), has experienced everything from one-night stands to long-term relationships, and even the occasional rejection here and there. But how do actual Japanese girls feel about his tips and tricks?

“The most common places to pick up girls are clubs, bars and night-life areas. If you aren’t confident in your Japanese, you’ll find more Japanese girls looking for “foreign friends” in places frequented by the foreign community (Roppongi, HUB and certain infamous clubs in Tokyo).”

G told us to hang out with girls and guys at bars; “being a part of the ‘in-group’ is important in Japan, and making friends with guys will help you become part of their mixed-gender ‘in-groups’ at that bar, or sometime in the future. On that note, drunk guys will often try to talk to you – view it as an opportunity. If they’re with a group with girls, ask to meet their friends and bam, you’re in the group. If they’re with a group of guys, steer the conversation towards picking up girls. Having a good Japanese wingman helps a lot!”

He also told us to leverage shared interests and head to sportsclubs or use language and dating apps. He mentioned that although sometimes successful, approaching a girl on the street is not recommended.

It sounds like there’s not one “best spot” to head to! So what did our Japanese women have to say to this tip?

K: My good friend who wants to date foreigners goes to English cafes and exchange events at the embassy, apparently because clubs are scary.

R: I agree with K. People who just want to get to know foreigners might go to safe places, such as English conversation schools and events, where foreigners are going to be.

E: I actually have a friend who is dating someone she met using a dating app, so I think apps are good and easy to use.

Y: Japanese girls may be a bit more on edge if you talk one-on-one, so this is a good technique!

S: Yeah, I think a lot of people meet at bars. I have a few friends who met foreign men at a bar or club, became friends and are now dating!

The consensus seems to be that while G’s advice is good, your average Japanese girl might not be partying it up in a club or bar. Quieter places like cafes could be your best bet, but our last respondee did suggest that more typical nightlife spots aren’t totally out of the question. If they’re more your scene, go for it!

“Believe it or not, “Hello! What’s your name?” is actually a pretty good opener. It’s different enough from the (Japanese) competition, and in case you don’t look like a foreigner, it lets girls know that you are (in a good way – you’re different, interesting!)” Additionally, this is a level of English that just about any girl can deal with, giving you the chance to get an idea of how smooth communication is likely to be between you.

He added that self-deprecating humour is effective, since humility and self-awareness are considered desirable traits in Japanese culture. For example, G likes to introduce himself with a joke about his name, since it rhymes with a vegetable. This quirky opener probably also makes him more memorable!

One important note on humor: “the vast majority of Japanese people don’t understand sarcasm so they will just take what you said at face value. Explaining sarcasm makes for an interesting conversation topic though!”

So far this doesn’t sound too difficult or different from other countries’ dating scenes, with the possible exception of sarcasm. Here’s how our Japanese ladies responded:

R: I think if I were suddenly asked for my name by a stranger I would probably hate it, lol.
It’s better to start with a slightly more natural conversation.

E: I think this would be fine at a club, but at other places suddenly asking a girl’s name might get her guard up. Start with a question, such as asking for directions or sightseeing recommendations, and I think you might be able to get a nice girl to answer you.

K: I might be surprised if someone suddenly started talking to me, but if it were in one of the places mentioned in Tip 1, it could work.

Y: If a Japanese man were to ask a lot of people wouldn’t answer, but if asked in English I feel like a lot of people would! Lol
In Japan, most people won’t make dark jokes unless they’re really close to someone, so it’s important to make them in moderation.

S: It’s good when someone takes the initiative to talk to you! I think mixing a bit of humor in when you introduce yourself is a good icebreaker. But, as he (G) says, using too much sarcasm isn’t good, lol.

Uh oh! Looks like jumping straight into asking for her name isn’t necessarily a recipe for success. On the other hand, the ladies mostly seem to agree that it depends largely on where you are. Read the room and assess the situation before rocking up to anyone for a chat. Keep in mind that two of the girls suggested that, while it’s ok to approach a girl, you should maybe start with a natural topic of conversation.

While G did say to “wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident, because comfortable and confident is attractive,” he also mentioned that Japanese men and women both make an effort with regards to appearance. Dress for the occasion and put a bit of work in. He added that you don’t have to dress exactly like the locals, though; you get a bit of a free pass for being foreign.

E: I think hygiene is more important than anything. Plus, Japanese people don’t really get BO easily whereas foreigners do, so I think it’s important to be careful of how you smell.

K: I agree with this tip. I think you should wear clothes appropriate to the time, place, and occasion.

R: As long as you’re hygienic and dressed appropriately for the situation, you don’t need to worry about being stylish. (You don’t need to wear high-end clothes or have very refined taste).

Y: It’s quite important to put effort into your appearance and clothes to give yourself confidence! That’s probably universal, though.

S: That’s totally right! Japanese people pay attention to appearance and of course your clothes are part of that, so it’s important to express who you are without trying too hard. “Comfortable, confident, and hygienic” are precisely right.

Looks like G hit the nail on the head when it comes to fashion. None of the girls seem to care about how men dress as long as it's appropriate, so feel free to wear whatever gives you confidence!

It’s also worth pointing out that three of the girls specifically mentioned hygiene as a key factor! Hopefully this goes without saying, but the importance of freshening up can’t be overstated. Japan can get pretty hot and humid in the summer, so keep some deodorant close at hand.

G said that public displays of affection are rare amongst both men and women, so don’t expect anyone to initiate it. “However, you’re not Japanese, so shaking hands is a great excuse to naturally introduce touch early in the relationship, as well as take someone just a little out of their comfort zone (shaking hands with a foreigner, exciting!)”

He also emphasized the importance of ‘reading between the lines’ and inferring others’ implied meaning in Japan. This means that women may not reject you outright in an attempt to avoid being too direct, as this is seen as rude. So what are you supposed to do if the girl you’re interested in isn’t giving you clear signals one way or the other?

“Take it slow, but make clear your intentions to escalate. She will also be more comfortable saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ outside of a group situation, where she doesn’t feel as judged. Finally, use common sense/courtesy. If she’s smiling and laughing and doesn’t pull away when you casually touch her, maybe she likes you. Escalate a little. Don’t go immediately sticking your hands in someone’s business because they accidently made eye contact with you.”

E: I agree with this. It’s rare to shake hands with fellow Japanese people, but by shaking hands with foreigners, you can accomplish some casual physical contact.

R: Even if they’re a bit uncomfortable (lol), there will be a lot of people who force a smile for the sake of the other person, but that doesn’t mean that they like them.

K: I think that if they’re someone who wants to show off that they’re dating a foreigner, then you could probably get away with it in public places!
From an onlooker’s perspective, if it’s a Japanese couple then it’s a bit uncomfortable. But if it’s a foreign couple, or at least one person is foreign, then people won’t really care.

Y: I agree! lol
Japanese people aren’t used to shaking hands, so whether they enjoy it or not, they’ll be nervous!
If you want to get close to them, I think it’s a good way to make them aware of you.
‘Taking it slow’ is not limited to just romantic relationships; being able to infer meaning is very important when communicating with Japanese people.

S: “Reading between the lines and inferring other’s implied meaning” is difficult, but it’s the most important thing. Avoiding mistakes in assessing the atmosphere of the place/situation and the other person’s behavior is key.

G once again seems to have cracked it. It won’t always be easy, but the respondents all seem to agree that physical contact in Japan is rare, so you’ll need to do your best at reading signs, inferring meaning, and understanding that just because a girl smiled at you doesn’t mean she’s into you; she might just be being polite! But two of the ladies did say that shaking hands isn’t a bad plan, so you could possibly get her heart racing that way.

While confidence is helpful and generally considered to be attractive, G reassures us that you don’t have to be confident to have dating success. Sure, confidence will encourage people to think more highly of you as they will think you value yourself more, but “don’t worry if you’re not very confident. Most Japanese aren’t either. Due to the cultural values of conformity (trying not to stand out) and self-effacement (putting the group before yourself), most Japanese people, especially girls, tend to be very shy. So your bar for success is lower. Go get em, tiger.”

He also added that “a moderate amount of alcohol can help you stop overthinking – that’s why it’s so accepted and widespread social lubricant in an otherwise socially (f)rigid society.”

E: Many Japanese men aren’t confident. On the other hand, if you come on far too strong, I think she’ll be quite taken aback. By being modest, keeping an eye on how she’s reacting, and being self-assured, I think you can beat the Japanese men around you.

K: There are lots of passive Japanese people (at least in my circles), so I think it’s ok to be assertive!

R: Yeah, I think being assertive to a certain extent will win you some affection (but being overbearing is a bad move). If you aren’t confident, I think it’s best to not let that show too much.

Y: Hmm, I wonder.