Hes dating the girl he cheated on me with

It may well be that he and his then-girlfriend weren’t compatible, and that the two of you are, but if so, you’re going to have to discuss the hard stuff in a way that it sounds like he didn’t in his previous relationship: When you “freak out on him” now, how does he respond? Does he reassure you that he’ll never cheat on you—something no one can do because life isn’t as certain we think—or do you talk about what those 10 months of his being in a relationship with both you and his girlfriend were like for all involved? Does he understand more about himself after having gone through this, such as what his paralysis was about, what prevented him from bringing up issues in his previous relationship before they got to the house-buying stage, and what made him choose to have an affair rather than work this through with his girlfriend first? How does he feel about not having had any time to be single after his breakup, or to date different people? What have his previous relationships been like—what has he struggled with? In the past, has he cheated when it came time to move forward? Does he blame his ex for the problems in their relationship, or can he see his own role in them, too? In other words, what has he discovered about himself that would make him deal with tough issues more openly and honestly in your relationship?

And then there are the questions for you. Often in affairs people focus on the person betraying his or partner, but this is an opportunity for you to learn something important about not just your boyfriend, but also yourself.  You might be thinking, “Wait, I didn’t cheat on anyone! I wasn’t in a committed relationship back then.” But you did have a relationship with somebody who was committed to somebody else, in the hopes that he would leave her. Like your boyfriend, you could have said, “I’m really drawn to you, but you’re not available now. If that changes, let’s see what we could be.” Both of you were doing something that you knew to be deceitful, so you’ll want to examine why you participated in this betrayal with him. You may not have robbed the bank, but you willingly provided the getaway vehicle for the crime.

Once you two start talking about yourselves and your relationship on this deeper level, it will make it easier to move past the affair and bring up the kinds of things couples who are seriously dating should talk about. In your case, that might be your age difference and what you’re both wanting at this point in your lives—are you ready to get married in the near future if you two are indeed a match? Is he? Are you both interested in that? How does each of you feel about kids and finances and your careers and the division of labor in your household if you end up together for the long haul?

Now that the affair is over, you two have the opportunity to see yourselves and each other much more clearly and realistically. Though these conversations can be hard, the knowledge they provide can help you both figure out what you want, so that no matter what ultimately happens with your relationship, it won’t become a repeat of his previous one.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.