Lesbian femme dating

I’ve gotten a few emails lately from femmes that are only attracted to other femmes. They are wondering why that isn’t represented more on this, or other blogs. It seems that the butch/femme dynamic is the more widely accepted arrangement. So I wanted to address that a little.

First of all, you might not have realized it but the Girl Zero saga is all about another femme. In fact, it’s about several. S and Zoe were both femmes. I’m femme. For the first several years of me figuring out how I fit into the lesbian community, I was only attracted to femmes.

I never experienced any prejudice from the straight world when I was dating other femmes and I think that’s because it’s easier to pass for two straight besties that are really really close, then for people to realize that we were actually lovers. And even then, when men see two femmes kissing, they tend to think the girls are bisexual and they treat it like a special floor show, just for them.

But aside from that, I know a lot of femme lesbians that are only attracted to other femmes. In LA it seems to be about 50/50. When we go out to a club the chances are about even that a femme will be with a girl that could be her sister or a more masculine styled lesbian.

I’m actually not really sure what to write for this topic, even though I’ve gotten several requests. Other then to say that femme/femme relationships and butch/butch relationships are as common as butch/femme relationships. Just maybe it’s not as noticeable because when two girls are both the same “type” they are easily mistaken for platonic friends by onlookers, unless they’re making it super obvious that they’re together.

Then even when both girls are the same type, and for the sake of writing what I know, two femmes, there is still usually some sort of role assignment. By that I mean, one girl usually takes the lead. It’s not arbitrary but more of a natural selection based on each girl’s own personality. I’ve found that there is usually some sort of ying and yang in every relationship no matter what the outer appearance is.

I’m not really speaking of finances or opening doors. Because that’s all very unique to each couple, their circumstances and their comfort levels. I guess what I’m trying to say, is even if you’re femme who’s into other femmes, it’s likely that one of you will be the aggressor and the other will be more passive. This is just human nature. If you’re both passive, then how on earth will you ever get together? Someone has to make the first move!

Which brings me to a good point. How does a femme let another femme know they’re interested?

Well, the first thing I learned (a little late) was to ask some questions first. Figure out if the femme you’re eyeing is open to dating other femmes or is she hard core into butches and only butches? There is no reason to get your fragile ego shot down for nothing.

A person’s preference has nothing to do with you so don’t take it personal if they like a type that you just aren’t. Just accept it and move on.

But say you find out that she is into other femmes or at least open to it. Then this is when you have to be a little brave. Take a deep breath and ask her out. Ask her out for coffee.

A coffee date is the universal signal for “let’s see if we click before we get stuck together on a long drawn out, awkward date.”

Since it’s always confusing about who pays when two femmes are dating, the best bet is to go with the rule, whoever asks the other one out, pays. Unless she asked YOU out, then you plan on going Dutch and if she insists on paying then you say “Thank you” and pay for the next date.

Finances are something you two will talk about later, if and when it becomes a “thing.” But until then, you pay for her if you ask her out. If she insists on paying, let her. Just don’t be a jerk and do what feels right in the moment.

The one thing I would stress is open, honest communication. I know, shocker right? It takes some guts to put yourself out there, but you have to, especially if you’re a femme into other femmes. Because someone has to ask the other out. If she’s used to be asked out, then you might have to make the first move even if that’s way outside your comfort zone.

I heard something a few weeks ago that really stuck with me and I think it’s perfect for this situation too:

EVERYTHING YOU WANT, IS RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE

So don’t worry if you’re femme into femmes, or butch into other butches. That’s normal! Everything is normal. What’s not normal is fighting who you are and trying to fit into some preconceived notion of who you think others want you to be. RELAX!!!! And ask her out. 😉

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