Dating as a guy dating as a girl

The time has come my fellow precious, lady-loving, Sapphic Sisters to get the f*ck out of the closet. I don't care how you wish to identify (lesbian, bisexual, queer, questioning, pansexual, WHATEVER).

It’s time to face the sweet music: You are burning with an insatiable, ever-expanding desire to kiss that gorgeous girl who smiles at you behind the Starbuck’s counter as she oh-so-lovingly adds two pumps of sugar-free vanilla syrup into your latte, every morning.

The moment has come to accept the glorious fact that the real reason you hate your BFF’s boyfriend is simply because you wish it was YOU, NOT HIM, sleeping in her bed.

Today is the glorious day for you to pull that trigger and fearlessly dive into the wild and wonderful world of GIRLS-DATING-GIRLS. Abandon the tired notion that pretty girls only date boys, because it’s total, utter bullsh*t (why else would it feel so good?).

It's such an exciting time to be fresh out of that dark, repressive closet and to set foot into the whimsical underworld of Lesbian Dating. You’re being exposed to a shiny, brand new universe rich with limitless possibility and endless sexual excitement.

You're starting to become aware that all of your pent-up fantasies have the awesome ability to come into fruition, and girl, isn't it so extraordinarily liberating?

Unfortunately, when you finally muster up the courage to hop off the straight train and get off at station LGBTQ+- there's no welcome committee presenting you with a “how to” guide -- and navigating the girl-on-girl scene is complicated.

OK, I get it; it’s not like you’ve never been at a DATE before. You’ve probably been suffering through sexless dates with men since you were that coveted teenage girl whom all the boys wanted in their yard.

It’s important to keep in mind, however, that there are quite a few KEY differences when you’re a girl-dating-a-girl that may (or may not) come as a surprise to your new sexually unshackled self.

Differences that cut deeper than the mere fact that you’re effortlessly, die-hard, attracted to GIRLS (attraction is the easy part):

The location of the first date says everything.

The typical guy (of course there are exceptions, there are ALWAYS exceptions) in his early-to-mid twenties doesn’t kill himself with deep, agonizing thoughts on picking the perfect place for his first date with a new crush. Often, it's but a simple matter of convenience.

GIRLS (as you very well know) think deeply about everything. Lesbians inherently understand the utmost importance of first impressions, and we are mega aware the location we choose for the first date will be fully analyzed/broken down  by the girl we are taking out. That being said, we don’t choose that bar/restaurant lightly.

We will usually attempt to pick a place that embodies the very essence of our personalities. For it's your first look into the window of who we are, and we’re well aware of it.

If a girl picks out a cute, locally-sourced indie gem in Brooklyn, it’s very telling -- same goes for sports bar, posh hotel bar, dimly-lit lounge, or a five star f*cking restaurant.

Women are a whole lot less scared of commitment.

I’m going to bore you with a prehistorically old joke lesbians have been telling since the beginning of time. I’m sure you've heard it 90,000 times before and if you haven’t heard it yet -- you NEED to (this is a safe place for you to learn the basics sans judgment):

“What does a lesbian bring to a second date?” (Wait for it, wait for it) “A U-Haul.”

This wildly popular lesbian cliché is rooted in truth. While men are notoriously terrified of settling down and missing out on the debaucheries of the bachelor life, the very opposite is true for a girl.

We are nesters by nature, and constantly have to fight the urge to make you a copy of our keys that fine moment we matched on Tinder (don’t all modern love stories start on Tinder?).

If you neglect to escape the dreaded curse of the U-Haul, and find yourself moved in by date #2 -- by the time you reach date #5, you will probably be blissfully married (or "domestic partners" depending on how repressed a state you live in) with two adopted adult cats and a thriving organic kale garden you and your partner affectionately tend to in matching flannel (JK... on the flannel part).

By date #7, you will have filed for divorce, and be in the throes of a vicious custody battle over the two adopted adult cats.

There are fewer hang-ups about sex.

In the world of dating and f*cking boys, sex is but a complex animal overwhelmingly nerve-racking and tricky to decipher.

If you give up the goods too quickly, you are pained with worry he will write you off as meaningless slut (after all, didn't mother always advise that no boy wants to buy the slutty-cow who gives her milk for free).

On the flip, there is always the fear that if you wait too long to put out, he will get bored and flee the country of you, immigrating to a new girl. It’s a dangerous game, chock full of paranoia and power play.

Well girl, you can finally drop those tense shoulders and r-e-l-a-x. We girls (most of us) have a natural, deep-seated respect for the sexuality of another woman.

If we happen to engage in a night of intoxicated, mind-blowing sex after the date #1, we won't tweet about what an easy harlot you are.

It will only strengthen our connection to you, because sex between two women is a remarkably collaborative, shared experience.

Which leads us into the next FACT:

The sex will be different.

The whole activity of sex is just so different with a girl. I’m not talking about the obvious: We all know girls are soft-skinned, curvaceous creatures with bodies and smells very different than our male counterparts.

The exterior differences between boys and girls hardly scratch the surface of what really rules about being a girl who has sex with girls.

The true beauty of Sapphic sex is this: We know what the f*ck feels good. There is no great mystery to uncover.

We listen to your body and can tell what’s working and what’s not (we are excellent communicators, and communication is crucial to SEX).

Girls pounce on fresh meat faster than boys.

When you’re swimming in the boy-girl pool, it almost feels impossible to get noticed because you're caught up in a terrifying tidal wave made up of masses of over-eager “girls-seeking-boys.” The straight scene is one giant, over-saturated, heterosexual hot mess.

How very different it is for Girl-Seeking-Girl:

When fresh meat first comes into stock at our local lady market, lesbians will FLOCK to her with an epic intensity, akin to wild birds flying south to avoid the bitter chill of nuclear winter.

One of the most frustrating parts of being gay (especially if you live in a small town) is the reality of just how small our dating pool truly is (which is why we literally need you to come out that closet and join us at the girl bar ASAP, please).

Most of us have already dated our way through our neighborhood gay scene, or are consumed with angst by the sad fact that all eligible/desirable girls are in Committed F*cking Relationships.

Keep this in mind when you’re feeling intimidated about going to Lesbian Night solo, without knowing a single Sapphic Soul: WE WANT YOU TO BE THERE. We really do.

Even if we aren’t wildly attracted to you, we love a sparkling new face, an effervescent new member of the tribe.

So welcome to the club, girl. Here's your "how-to" guide.