Lesbian tricked girl into dating for months

The case of Gayle Newland, the 25 year old university student who posed as a man to have a sexual relationship with an unsuspecting female friend has shocked and confused those following her case. It taps into the hoary old stereotype of the predatory lesbian seducing the innocent straight girl with a modern twist - the anonymity of the internet allowed much of the relationship to take place online.

Catfishing - pursuing romantic relationships on the internet under an invented identity – to most people remains an urban myth. Everyone knows someone who knows someone whose Mr Right turned out to be Mr Doesn't Even Exist and the hit MTV show of the same name has tracked down four seasons' worth of scammers, victims and the rare case of someone telling the truth all along.

The most infamous catfish is Colorado firefighter Jesse Jubilee James, the online alterego of Janna St. James who 'introduced' him online to her friend Paula Bonhomme. Bonhomme gave $10,000 worth of gifts to 'Jesse' over the years and the two got engaged, only to be brokenhearted when her fiancé - who she had never met in person - allegedly died of liver cancer before Janna St James' real identity was uncovered.

Normally, the scammer will come up with reasons why they can't talk via webcam or meet in person, but they will often change their voice over the phone, sometimes using voice distorting equipment - in Newland's case, her male alter ego Kye Fortune claimed that he had a naturally high voice, and would show up to meetings with the victim in appearance-disguising clothing.

There's an uncomfortable degree of sexism and homophobia to a lot of media coverage of catfishing. One favourite is the man who thinks he's falling in love with a sexy young thing, only to discover that she's a middle-aged, overweight housewife - as Nev Schulman, Catfish's presenter, did. Whilst it's amusing to laugh at men arrogant enough to assume that younger women will fall at their feet, the joke is really on Angela Wesselman for assuming that someone like Nev could ever be interested in the real her.

Conversely, the trope far from conventionally attractive men paired with pretty, thin women is everywhere from Sex in the City to the silver screen. Women, we're told, should see past a man's looks to the heart of gold beneath, but a plain woman's best chance is to plaster a model's photo on her internet dating profile and shave a few years off her age.

There is the odd moment of beautiful karma, though - in 2011, it was revealed that two prominent lesbian bloggers having an online relationship were both revealed to be married, heterosexual men - a fact neither Tom McMaster or Bill Graber had been aware of when they sent steamy emails to one another.

"Sex by deception" is a phrase that has cropped up in multiple cases in Britain over the past few years, in seemingly similar circumstances. In 2013, following a consensual relationship between two teenagers above the age of consent, "Scott", born biologically female but who had talked about having a sex change, was essentially convicted of not being able to conclusively prove his female partner knew that he was trans.

Blogger and activist Zoe Imogen is concerned that this ruling could lead to a rise in trans people having to disclose their medical history in a way no other person would be asked to do before sex, potentially putting their lives at risk. She says that the "sex by deception" ruling is less about sexual assault and "more about “gay panic” – straight folk being “tricked” into gay relationships by presumed-fake trans identities."

Experimentation but at a cost

Identity is fluid, and the internet allows for a level of experimentation that can be dangerous in the real world. Women can live out their fantasies from the safety of their own home, men don't have to worry about being gaybashed for flirting with the wrong guy and trans people can start to inhabit their real gender without the stress of having to 'pass'. The case of Gayle Newland has a tragic component - although she believed that her friend knew her real identity but struggled with her own sexuality too much to admit it to herself, the fact remains - a woman was emotionally violated and sexually assaulted by someone she trusted.

The reactions of both the judge and the media, disproportionate to the majority of rape cases that even make it to court or to press, show that sensitivity training around LGBT issues is much needed - but the LGBT community itself should think before rushing uncritically to Newland's defence.

Abuse happens everywhere, and the queer community shouldn't overlook it when it's one of our own.

The truth is that most people present an ideal self online - the Pinterest perfect home can look like a bomb site for real.. At no point, when l tweet this article later on, will I mention that I wrote it in my pyjamas. But sometimes, the gap between who you are and who you want to be is so insurmountable that it's easier just to be someone else entirely.