Pursuing a relationship with a girl versus dating

How To Stand Out and Keep the Girl of Your Dreams

I get it. When you hear the word “pursuit,” your mind may instantly jump to drive-in movie theaters, sock hop dances, perms, and guys who wore button-up shirts, tucked in with a belt.

“Pursuit” can sound like an old-timey word, like something meant for a romance novel, one where the hero overcomes difficult but tangible obstacles in order to prove his affection to the heroine who keeps pushing him away while secretly wishing that he would keep pursuing her. “Pursuit” wins out and the couple rides off into the sunset to their house that the hero built with his own two hands.

Or, maybe the word “pursuit” hits a little closer to home for you. Maybe when you hear it, you think of the months you spent liking someone and working to position yourself just right so that they may notice you and hopefully like you back. Maybe you think of the months of conversations, the dates and the dinners, the constant DTR’s (“define the relationship” conversations, for those of you not from the Midwest).

To pursue is old-fashioned. Our parents’ parents knew what the word meant. It also often defines a period of seeking out a potential relationship. I pursued my now wife for close to a year before she let me take her on a date. But before I was married, I tended to think that was all pursuit meant. Now that I’ve been married for almost 5 years, I can confidently say that pursuit is something that never goes away.

If you are a husband and you want to love your wife well, you have to continue to pursue her. You have to pursue her daily, in the ways that she feels pursued, and you have to pursue her purposefully.

Here are some truths I’ve learned about pursuit that any guy in any relationship can apply to their lives.

Pursuit is like chivalry. It never goes out of style. It may seem cool to be the bad-boy, to be the person who doesn’t respect anyone or anything but “coolness” is temporary and fleeting. Have you ever noticed that things that are cool are typically fads? They are here one day and gone the next. If you think back to the guy in your high school class that was the toughest, doesn’t give a care about the world person, how did they turn out? Odds are they changed their tune or they aren’t doing so well.

That’s because while the world likes the glitz and glam of a rebellious spirit, what it admires and gravitates back to is the consistency of the person who is respectful, loving, and kind.

It doesn’t matter if you are 18 or 80 years old, pursuit will never go out of style. Husbands, your wife wants you to pursue her. Boyfriends, your girlfriend wants you to pursue her. She wants to feel seen and known in ways that make her feel loved and empowered. There may be hurdles to overcome and parts of her past that you need to tenderly and cautiously come around as you pursue her. But nevertheless, don’t buy into the narrative that pursuit is out of style. It’s always advantageous for you to pursue your significant other.

There is no culmination to pursuit. When you are dating someone, it may seem like getting married is the finish line of pursuit. That once you conclude the ceremony and the ring is on your finger, you are released from your obligation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Pursuit is an action that builds over time. When you pursue your significant other well, you are building on every previous day of pursuit as you seek to love her in that moment. In relationships, there really is no such thing as an isolated event. Everything you do or say carries a weight, a stickiness that goes beyond that exact moment and lingers within your relationship, either positively or negatively.

Investing in a relationship is just that: an investment. A great relationship takes time and intentionality to mature. The way you pursue your spouse the first year you are married should be a small percentage of the way you pursue her when you have been married for 10+ years or 25+ years. Growing pursuit doesn’t always mean more activity. However, it does mean that your pursuit becomes more tailored, more specific, more in line with how your wife feels loved, appreciated, and respected.

In most relationships, routine is unavoidable. Our lives often consist of necessary maintenance that is cyclical. The dishes need to get done. Laundry needs to be washed. The house needs to be cleaned and the kids need to be dropped off at school.

But there is a big difference between rhythm and monotony. Rhythm is something that you can groove to, something that helps you move towards a better, healthier lifestyle. Rhythm is what you feel on the dance floor when you are in the zone. Monotony is boring. Monotony is what you are dreading. It doesn’t give you life and it isn’t your zone. Monotony is dangerous to a thriving relationship.

Luckily, pursuit helps fight against monotony. When you pursue your partner, you are actively looking for and seeking out opportunities to see and communicate value. You initiate and often interrupt the monotonous with intentional actions that show your significant other that they are important and worth fighting for.

If you are committed to pursuing your partner, you will continue to grow and offset the temptation to just do the same-old, same-old.

There is perhaps no better way to show your passion for your spouse than to pursue them excellently over a long time. Let me show you how this works.

Let’s take a hobby or a skill that you really enjoy. Something that you are passionate about. More than likely, you’ve invested in that passion. You’ve likely spent some money on your passion and you’ve definitely spent time and energy with your passion. You’ve studied it. You’ve talked about this passion with friends, family, or anyone who would listen. You’ve likely looked for advice on how to do your passion better. You may have read books about your passion. You have likely gone out of your way countless times to even get a little closer to your passion, a little more informed, or a little better at your craft. In a word, you have pursued your passion.

Likewise, when you are passionate about your spouse, you pursue them. Society tells you that passion is communicated through a variety of means: expensive gifts, sex, exotic travels, good conversations, and many other avenues. Each of these is a means of communicating passion, but it is not the whole story. Pursuit takes each of these avenues and combines them in one holistic direction.

If pursuit is really a life-long journey, if it is really something that builds over time, if it doesn’t go out of style and fights against the possibility of monotony, then its something worth learning and something worth enjoying.

So many people think that they’d like to just snap their fingers and wake up in perfection. Sure, shortcuts can be nice. But if you talk to someone who put in the work, who got down into the grind and really invested their time and energy into reaching a goal, or seeking after a dream, you always hear that tone of satisfaction in their voice. Pursuing your spouse is the same way. Enjoy the process and see your pursuit bloom day after day.