Least desperate dating app

Feeling a little lonely during these times of social and economic instability? Haven’t had any social interaction since the beginning of March? Don’t worry, me neither! My name is Ben Walker and I’m a certified dating app expert with a whole nine Tinder matches under my belt. Today, I’m here to give you five tips on how to pick up your quarantine cutie from at least six feet away. 

1. Get Out There

• Tinder and Bumble are some basic stuff. In order to maximize the chances of meeting someone, you must register for as many dating sites as humanly possible. Join eHarmony, Farmers Only or even Amish Dating. Who knows, your soulmate may be on Christian Mingle. Personally, I’d recommend signing up for at least 20 different dating sites in order to really get yourself out there. Now that you’ve made too many accounts to keep track of, it’s time to make a profile. 

2. The Profile

• Even though nobody reads it, you still have to have one. So, I’ve decided to break it down into three easy steps to make it as easy as possible to find your kindred spirit.

- Say you like to travel, eat food and that you love “The Office.” Literally every human likes these things, so you’re sure to achieve mass appeal. Mass appeal = maximum matches. Maximum matches = maximum potential relationships. 

- Post a picture with a dog. Don’t have a dog? Find a friend with one. Don’t have a friend with a dog? Make some more friends. If you’re really desperate, Google search “person with dog” and use the first image that pops up. Odds are they’ll be so enthralled with the dog that they won’t notice you’re not in the image. 

- Similar to the dog strategy, consider using pictures of people more attractive than you. Make your match think you’re Chris Hemsworth, when you’re actually Danny Devito. Odds are you’ll never see them in person, so it hardly matters.

3. Messaging

• Now that you’ve set up your profile, it’s time to talk to some strangers on the internet. A mistake a lot of amateurs make is sending the first message. “But Tinder Master Ben,” you may say, “doesn’t it show that you’re interested in the person and care enough to initiate conversation?” Of course it does, but it also makes you seem needy and desperate. And nobody likes desperation. So, simply wait until the other party sends the first message and if they don’t, label them as a spineless coward. 

4. Ghosting Game

• Got cold feet about a first date? The accidental drunk match message you first? The guy you only talked to during a moment of weakness still thinks you’re on for Friday? Ghost them and don’t ever respond. Not only will it cancel any plans and ruin any relationship, but it will leave the other party wondering where they went wrong for the rest of their life. What’s that? You want to communicate your feelings like a mature human being and give them a reason for why you two are not compatible? Don’t make me laugh, that’s ridiculous! 

5. First Dates

• So you’ve sifted through the thousands of people in the Charlottesville area and finally found one that is willing to risk catching a deadly virus to see you in person. Congratulations! You’ve won online dating! 

So there it is — five hot tips to get a smokin’ hot cutie during this global pandemic. However, odds are every match won’t become your next date, and that’s okay. Getting rejected is three-fourths of the online dating experience. And remember, never be yourself! 

Ben Walker is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.