Making friends via dating apps

I went on my last first date just over six years ago. We went to the pub, I ordered a beer, and I frantically tried to cross-reference my mental spreadsheet of topics we’d both find interesting.

The date went well — we’re still together, six years later. But however happy that ending was, it left me woefully unprepared for the world of friendship dating.

Unlike the majority of millenials, I’ve never used Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Hinge, or any of the other hookup/meetup apps so many of my friends had. I started dating my partner right as they were becoming popular, so I missed the wave.

But when I found myself living at home in my childhood town, with all my old friends grown up and moved on, I needed to find new friends fast.

So I downloaded Bumble, made a profile, and got to swiping. This is what I learned about making friends on a dating app.

When you’re looking for a romantic partner, if you’re hot but boring, you might still have luck.

When you’re looking for a friend? You better have something interesting to say. I can’t tell you the number of times I swiped left on someone because they hadn’t left anything on their bio, or had written, “live laugh love.” There were also several times when I swiped right, got a match, and then couldn’t think of anything to say other than “Hey,” because there was no info. Not the most promising start to a relationship.

Honestly, I got weird on my bio. Why? Because I’m a weird person, and I’m out to meet other weirdos like me. I wrote that I was an enthusiastic but unskilled dancer. I confessed to being an unironic lover of cheesy Hallmark movies. And when I saw other people said they had fun interests? Even if they didn’t align with mine, I was way more likely to swipe right.

The women who said, “new to the area and looking to make new friends!” Or even worse, “Moved here to be with my husband….he works a lot 🙄” Well, I didn’t have much to say to them.

What you should put in your bio:

Include at least one kind of off-beat activity. Do you like cross-stitching? Include it. A weird TV show only you know about? Put it in. Growing a mushroom farm? Tell me about it. A quirky trait makes it easy to start conversations and shows you’re passionate, curious, interesting.

You should also include what you’re looking for. For instance, my favorite bios had things like “let’s go watch light shows,” or “looking for a friend to go to cat cafes with.” Specific activity suggestions are much easier to convert into a real-life meetup than “let’s grab coffees.”

This was the scariest thing about online friend-dating for me. When a potential romantic match doesn’t work out, well, you can blame a lack of chemistry.

If someone just straight-up doesn’t want to be your friend? It hurts a lot more because it feels like they’ve looked at you, looked at how you sold yourself, and said, “Nope, not buying.”

So many times, I made a match but nobody messaged first, or the conversation fizzled out, or I sent an initial opener to the deadly sound of digital crickets. And it sucks to not feel wanted by people even in a platonic way.

What you need to realize about online friend-dating:

Chemistry and timing matter more than you think.

That “spark” between two people is usually used in a romantic context, but it’s very much present between friends, too. Having people you can just talk to, be with, spend time with — whatever makes personalities click for love matters for friendship, too.

Timing is also a super important component. I don’t just mean long-term timing, like if you and your friend-soulmate both happen to be looking for new pals at the same time. This is important, but when it comes to online friend dating, short-term timing is more important.

You both have to be in the right mood at the right time, saying the right things in the right way. Making friends online is easier, from the convenience, but harder because it’s not what we’re used to. You have to notice the notification, log into an app, and keep a sustained, interesting conversation going over a longer time. If one of those things doesn’t work? You’re out of luck.

Sometimes, you don’t get that match or that message not because the person doesn’t want to be your friend, but because the timing just didn’t work out. they were busy, distracted, nervous, or experiencing any of the other things that can go wrong. Don’t take it personally.

There’s something that’s inherently awkward about friendship via an app. You both know you’re here to make a commitment, just in search of the right one. Unlike making friends organically, where it can sometimes feel less pressured to make a move, online friend-finding is necessarily targetted. You’ve only there for one thing.

This means it’s hard to know when it’s right to make a move. One message? Three? Right away? In a week? When are you and the other person mutually ready to level up the acquaintanceship? It might not come up naturally — you might have to force it. And that feels uncomfortable.

When you should be ready to make a move:

My advice? Give it ten messages. In ten messages you’ll know if you have mutual interests, if you have chemistry, if you’re both ready for it. Ten messages is ample opportunity for the other person to drop off, or show you how much they like you.

Longer than that and you risk procrastinating the decision forever. Shorter, and you run the danger of putting the other person off.

In ten messages, you should know if this is a person you want to be friends with. And if you are serious about it, you’ll be ready to say: “Hey, let’s go to that cat cafe you mentioned.” If not? Let them know you might not be in the right headspace right now.