Dating a girl who told mr she has herpes

Telling a partner that you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI), such as genital herpes, may not be easy, but it’s necessary. But, when getting to know a new partner, revealing your STI status isn’t as simple as revealing your favorite place to grab dinner. In fact, in a recent Bustle Trends Group survey of 226 women ages 18 to 34, one participant said, “It’s hard to admit to having had an STI, there’s so many gross assumptions about promiscuity and uncleanliness.” As another respondent put it, “Women are seen as less sexual beings in society which keeps us from being able to talk about issues without some form of shaming from others.” Sadly, the more women with herpes feel shamed, the more the cycle of stigmatizing the STI continues, and the harder it may be to tell a sexual partner you have herpes.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), more than one out of every six people 14-to-49 years old in the U.S. have genital herpes, also known as herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2).HSV-1 is the herpes virus associated with oral herpes, such as cold sores and fever blisters on or around the mouth, but HSV-2 refers to genital herpes. (However, you can get either strain of the virus on other parts of your body.) You can have either type without exhibiting any symptoms, yet still pass it on to other people via genital secretions or skin to skin contact, which makes herpes a prevalent STI. Many people either don’t have a visible sore, or do not know they have herpes, and then pass it on to their partner(s). But for some, the stigma around herpes can be worse than any of the actual symptoms.

While practicing safe sex is crucial, condoms are not foolproof methods (condoms can break, the virus can be on skin around the genital area, people may not know they have it, etc.). All in all, it comes down to getting tested and being honest with your partner about your STI status. However, revealing their herpes status is understandably a challenge for some people more than others.

“When it comes to telling a partner about having herpes, there really is no easy way to do it,” Lawrence A. Siegel, clinical sexologist and certified sexuality educator at the Modern Institutes for Sex Therapy Training and Sage Institute for Family Development, tells Bustle. “Like with any other ‘reveal,’ there might be a risk that the other person may reject you and leave.” However, he says that it’s a risk that's important to take, and that it may even help you and your partner form a closer connection and lead to better communication and intimacy. “Moral considerations, too, are important, and informing a potential partner is simply the ‘right’ thing to do, especially in this age of greater focus on consent — which is about making the choice based on knowing all the risks, and benefits, involved.”

Of course, telling your sexual partner that you have herpes will be different for everybody. In fact, Laureen HD, 31, has a YouTube channel dedicated to helping people cope with herpes and its stigma. “Disclosing your herpes status to a potential partner is always stressful, no matter how many times you may have disclosed it in the past or how many intimate relationships followed your disclosures,” she tells Bustle. “But, personally, the partners I have disclosed to in the past always empathized with the vulnerable position I put myself in, because I prioritized their consent over my pleasure. In one case in particular, that heartfelt moment and mutual respect even boosted the connection we felt toward each other.”

So what does the conversation actually look like? From what they say to how new partners react, here’s how Laureen and 22 other women tell a sexual partner they have genital herpes.