Black people dating near chicago il

Editor’s note: Meet. Assess attraction. Court her. (Or him. Or them.) Confess feelings. Discuss monogamy. Marry, maybe. Make babies, if you want. In many ways, the mechanics of dating are universal, regardless of whether you’re black, white, brown or “a colorless person,” as Raven-Symone famously described herself to Oprah in a 2014 interview. Still, race can color dating experiences in minute and major ways. Many say there are common, cultural threads, and we’re here to tease them out. Call it a labor of love. The following is the third of eight in this online series.

The world of digital dating can feel like a wonderland. Or a minefield.

Ghosting, bathroom selfies, bad syntax, rude nudes — frustrated singles might be compelled to throw up their hands and quote viral sensation Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Along with run-of-the-mill challenges, black daters may encounter some unique complications.

Right off the bat, some black singles may be warier of seeking love through sites or apps than other populations, said Chicago writer Dustin Seibert, 36, who penned a review of dating apps for the website Very Smart Brothas.

“Black folks are skeptical about a lot of things,” he said, online dating being one of them. “We tend to have old-school sensibilities in terms of how we approach certain things. We tend to be superstitious or concerned that having our business out there in the streets is going to come back and bite us in the bottom.”

Those who do dip into the internet dating pool may find strains of discrimination muddy the waters. A 2014 blog post written by OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder explains that, based on millions of user interactions, nonblack men found black women to be less attractive than those of other races. Black men showed little, if any, preference for black women. While black women showed a preference for their male counterparts, women who aren’t black found black men to be less attractive than average.

“For many reasons that are systemic and extend far past online dating, we’re still looked at as not desirable,” Seibert said.

South Loop resident Abimbola Oladokun, 30, a litigator with a corporate law firm, has been using dating apps off and on for about four years. These days, she fires up Tinder, Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel. Sometimes, she still second-guesses intentions when nonblack men express interest, wondering, “Is this for real?”

While Oladokun’s had lovely interactions with men of different races — an impromptu six-hour date with an Irish-Canadian was a delight — she said she’s also received “obviously racist and hypersexual” messages. One example: “It’s Thanksgiving, but you make me want chocolate for dessert.”

That sort of innuendo isn’t atypical. Courtney, a 31-year-old psychologist who lives in a southwest suburb of Chicago and whose last name is being withheld to protect her privacy and therapeutic relationships, said she’s received inappropriate comments about her “curvy shape” or “big booty,” jarring, all the more, when the descriptors didn’t even match her physical attributes. “I definitely think there was some fetishizing going on,” she said, from men seeking a “sexual experience” based on their perception of black women.

Dealing with crass, stereotypical overtures is one struggle. For professional black women seeking black men on the same plane, scarcity may be another, Seibert said, both online and off. “Black women are leagues ahead of black men educationally, professionally and financially — we’re still navigating the prison industrial complex. Black women are going to school and getting degrees.”

But don’t go deactivating those dating profiles just yet. To be sure, the news isn’t all dreary. In fact, some is strikingly good.

“People are using race as a filter less than they ever have,” said Melissa Hobley, OkCupid's chief marketing officer.

What data crunchers at OkCupid have seen, Hobley said, is an “unprecedented shift around psychographics.” That is, psychological markers like attitudes and values that can help predict compatibility. Case in point: politics.

Between 2015 and 2017, “there has been a 1,000 percent increase in political terms being used in a dater’s profile,” Hobley said. That includes words like “voting,” “Republican,” “Democrat,” “right” and “left.”

Spoiler alert: Talking politics pays dividends.

“If you mention politics in your profile,” she said, “you’re three times more likely to get a message.”

Here’s more strategic advice to help you sidestep the haters and find a partner who’s crazy about you, quirks and all.

Be super specific and truthful to a T. The secret, according to Hobley, is that most people are not confident, outgoing and full of swagger. So make it easy for them. The trick is to include details in your profile that help potential mates engage. List your favorite artists and TV shows you can’t live without, “so someone can say, ‘Ah, ‘Game of Thrones,’ OK, are you a house Lannister or a house Targaryen?’” Post pictures that actually reflect how you look now, suggests Seibert, who’s called off a date because he discovered the woman’s pictures were nearly a decade old.

Entertain the possibilities. Angel Woods, a 31-year-old digital content manager who lives in Matteson and has previously used Christian Mingle, eHarmony, OkCupid and Match, said she’s “never had a bad experience online.” Her advice? Keep the door ajar. “If you close yourself off to ethnicities and you have an ideal partner in your head, I think that you miss the opportunity to meet really great people that can be a match in ways that you never considered.”

Get by with a little help from your friends. Seibert, who met his ex-wife on Match.com, inspired one of his best friends to try the dating site. When that pal’s paid account was about to expire, he reached out to Seibert and asked him to browse the site on his behalf and suggest some potential matches. Seibert was reluctant: “At first I’m like, ‘Yo, what do I look like, Cupid?’” But he relented, sent his buddy some profiles and struck gold. That friend went on to marry one of the women Seibert suggested. You can probably guess who the best man was.

Redefine Sunday Funday. “The busiest day on OkCupid is Sunday,” Hobley said. So get to swiping after that mimosa.

Don’t lose perspective. Focusing too heavily on a lack of matches or a dearth of meaningful messages can leave you circling the drain. Online dating is a tool to “expand possibilities,” Oladokun said, but “in no way should it define your existence.” Put differently, “I think having fun with it is much better than relying on it as something that’s going to, like, completely change your life.”