Dating a girl who has been sexually abused

Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity or contact that you do not consent to. Sexual assault can happen through physical force or threats of force or if the attacker gave the victim drugs or alcohol as part of the assault. Sexual assault includes rape and sexual coercion. In the United States, one in three women has experienced some type of sexual violence.¹ If you have been sexually assaulted, it is not your fault, regardless of the circumstances.

What is sexual assault?

Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity or contact, including rape, that happens without your consent. Sexual assault can include non-contact activities, such as someone “flashing” you (exposing themselves to you) or forcing you to look at sexual images.²

Sexual assault is also called sexual violence or abuse. Legal definitions of sexual assault and other crimes of sexual violence can vary slightly from state to state. If you’ve been assaulted, it is never your fault.

What does sexual assault include?

Sexual assault can include:³

• Any type of sexual contact with someone who cannotconsent, such as someone who is underage (as defined by state laws), has an intellectual disability, or is passed out (such as from drugs or alcohol) or unable to respond (such as from sleeping)
• Any type of sexual contact with someone who does notconsent
• Rape
• Attempted rape
• Sexual coercion
• Sexual contact with a child
• Fondling or unwanted touching above or under clothes

Sexual assault can also be verbal, visual, or non-contact. It is anything that forces a person to join in unwanted sexual activities or attention. Other examples can include:⁴

• Voyeurism, or peeping (when someone watches private sexual acts without consent)
• Exhibitionism (when someone exposes himself or herself in public)
• Sexual harassment or threats
• Forcing someone to pose for sexual pictures
• Sending someone unwanted texts or “sexts” (texting sexual photos or messages)

What does “consent” mean?

Consent is a clear “yes” to sexual activity. Not saying “no” does not mean you have given consent. Sexual contact without consent is sexual assault or rape.

Your consent means:

• You know and understand what is going on (you are not unconscious, blacked out, asleep, underage, or have an intellectual disability).
• You know what you want to do.
• You are able to say what you want to do or don’t want to do.
• You are aware that you are giving consent (and are not impaired by alcohol or drugs).

Sometimes you cannot give legal consent to sexual activity or contact — for example, if you are:

• Threatened, forced, coerced, or manipulated into agreeing
• Not physically able to (you are drunk, high, drugged, passed out, or asleep)
• Not mentally able to (due to illness or disability)
• Under the age of legal consent, which varies by state

Remember:

• Consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time question. If you consent to sexual activity, you can change your mind and choose to stop at any time, even after sexual activity has started.
• Past consent does not mean future consent. Giving consent in the past to sexual activity does not mean your past consent applies now or in the future.
• Saying “yes” to a sexual activity is not consent for all types of sexual activity. If you consent to sexual activity, it is only for types of sexual activities that you are comfortable with at that time with that partner. For example, giving consent for kissing does not mean you are giving consent for someone to remove your clothes.

What is NOT considered consent in sexual activity?

• Silence. Just because someone does not say “no” doesn’t mean she is saying “yes.”
• Having consented before. Just because someone said “yes” in the past does not mean she is saying “yes” now. Consent must be part of every sexual activity, every time.
• Being in a relationship. Being married, dating, or having sexual contact with someone before does not mean that there is consent now.
• Being drunk or high. Read more about alcohol, drugs, and sexual assault.
• Not fighting back. Not putting up a physical fight does not mean that there is consent.
• Sexy clothing, dancing, or flirting. What a woman or girl wears or how she behaves does not show consent for sexual activity. Only a verbal “yes” means “yes” to sexual activity.