Dating guys with autism

The first time a popular guy asked me out, I thought he was making fun of me. So I rolled my eyes and said, “Whatever…”

This accidentally made me super cool.

In high school, guys started fighting over me in the halls. But eventually word got out — I was still boring.

And weird…

Nobody knows what to do with an asper girl — a chick with mild autism. A chick who eats the same thing for lunch and dinner for weeks on end. A chick who seems to feel no emotions.

So I decided to write this guide. If you meet a girl (or guy) who just seems a little off, this is how you date them.

How do you know she has autism?

Basically, she’ll come off as just a little rude. That’s because nobody’s used to girls who are flat and direct. Nobody knows what to do with a girl who says “I’m fine,” even if she’s not smiling.

They think she’s being passive-aggressive.

She might look a little lost or confused. She might take a few seconds to understand you’re flirting.

She’ll seem a little slow, or shy. Trust me, she’s not.

Thing is, lots of people fall through the cracks of the DSM V — the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Not everyone gets an official diagnosis, because those are expensive.

And also, you can just ask her…

Don’t get deflated by her default mode

A lot of people with autism can’t smile that well, at least not on cue. We can do genuine smiles. In fact, research has shown that fake-smiles use different muscles and neurons.

We also know that women in general are expected to smile all the time, just to appear opening and nonthreatening.

Asper girls can’t do it.

They learned a long time ago how creepy their fake smile looks. It’s a trip down the Uncanny Valley.

Give her a little space (and patience)

Someone who’s high-functioning could go half their lives without fully understanding what they are. We just know we’re “weird,” so we spend years learning how to mask our true selves.

Here’s what you should know about an autistic chick:

• She loves big chunks of solitude
• She can focus on one thing for hours
• She can talk about that thing all day
• She loves organizing her stuff
• She reads manuals and dictionaries for fun
• She struggles to express emotion
• She also struggles to interpret them
• She has supersonic hearing and/or other senses
• She doesn’t follow pointless directions

By now, she’s probably learned how to blend in. She knows nobody wants to hear endless monologues about her favorite topics. She’s devoted lots of effort to the study of how to appear normal.

That means her symptoms probably translate into things like disdain for live music and people who whisper during movies. She probably likes going places where there aren’t that many people.

Her idea of a fun weekend is to re-organize her closet.

Going on a date with you is fun, but also exhausting… especially until she starts to feel comfortable in your presence.

Develop your own rapport

An adult woman with autism probably knows how to read your emotions. She just can’t return your serve — not the way you want her to. She’s got other ways to show what she feels.

If you’re open, she’ll teach you her love language. All you have to do is pay attention. Actually listen to her words.

A high-functioning chick with autism doesn’t try to give anyone faux emotions to lube your social gears. When they flout conventions, they’re actually doing you and themselves a favor. They’re being sincere. If you return the favor, they’ll appreciate it like you wouldn’t believe.

Just because she doesn’t smile first, that doesn’t mean she won’t appreciate your smile — or eventually return one. And if she doesn’t want to talk to you, she’ll definitely let you know that, too.

Always be direct with her

Girls on the spectrum can understand jokes, sarcasm, metaphors, and innuendos. It just takes a lot of practice.

It helps if you occasionally say things like, “I’m kidding.”

That helps more than you think.

For someone on the spectrum, every new person is a puzzle they have to figure out. We don’t assume that anything about people in general applies to the single persons we meet at coffee shops and bars.

The more honest and up front you are, the better. You can open with something like, “You’re cute. Can I talk to you?”

Most of us love stuff like that.

Take her out on quiet dates

Sure, do all the standard dates. But someone on the spectrum also likes quiet ones — just the two of you and a couple of books.

You can literally just sit in a cafe together and read. Or you can go for a walk while making a little chit chat, but not too much.

Dates like these show her that you’re solid material. You don’t have to be constantly amused and entertained.

Learn her definition of spontaneity

There’s a difference between adventure and spontaneity. Someone on the spectrum has no trouble with one night stands, climbing mountains, or trespassing on haunted private property.

There’s just some decision making involved.

Most people on the spectrum cherish planning and organization. I’ve had sex on a schedule for years now, and I love it.

Don’t spring surprises on her

With autism, you don’t get overtaken with urges or impulses. They’re muted. We eat the same thing for weeks and months on end. Inviting us for Indian food on less than 24 hours notice?

That’s spontaneous.

A spectrum girl isn’t shy or timid. She doesn’t need to be shown how to live in the moment. To her, your spontaneity just looks like you’re disorganized, and don’t know what you want. If you’re interested in her, appeal to her sense of adventure. Give her time to think and plan. Don’t ambush her with surprise trips, and then get all sulky when she says no.

Listen to her sexual preferences

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t like sloppy kisses or tongue. She might come off as vanilla at first, even if she’s not.

Don’t be surprised if she keeps cloths by the bed to wipe up fluids. A lot of us don’t like fluids, not even during sex.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t make a lot of noise, or do those faces you see in all the porn films. A lot of us just don’t have a huge range when it comes to expressing outward emotion.

You can display all the feelings you want. If she doesn’t respond, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean she’s not having a good time. For better sex, ask her up front what she likes— what she finds sexy.

If she’s truly comfortable around you, she’ll tell you. Or she’ll be willing to explore and experiment.

Learn what kinds of gifts she likes

Someone with autism has their own love language, and it’s a little different from the ones Gary Chapman talks about.

In the end, she’s just like anyone else. You can’t get her things that “normal people” like, and expect her to appreciate them. Hint: She probably won’t appreciate concert tickets to Katy Perry.

You have to figure out her world — what she needs and doesn’t fully know. It’s not even that hard. You just have to observe.

This advice works for everyone

It turns out, the best advice for dating someone on the spectrum actually works well for any relationship:

• Don’t expect her to be like everyone else
• Show respect for her differences (and her brain)
• Give her a break from smiling and laughing
• Let go of all your Hollywood-infused expectations
• Don’t spring stuff on her and call it spontaneous
• Listen to what she wants in the bedroom
• Tell her what you want, without pandering

Everything comes down to direct communication and compromise. Just like you learn to accommodate her, she’ll have to learn to adjust to you. Don’t worry — she’s used to this.

You don’t have to date someone normal to be happy. Normal’s overrated. Chasing it might even make you miserable. Love someone who’s different, and you won’t regret it.