Dating an ideal girl

I debated whether or not I wanted to publish a post about my ideal partner traits because it’s so personal. Go easy on me 🙂

This exercise is valuable for everyone, especially women who are the initial decision-makers as to whether a relationship will start.

It’s detailed and specific, maybe a little too much. It’s taken me over 11 months to complete and you’ll notice some peculiar things down below. I only left out a few items for my own sanity and just in case I run for president one day 🙂 Enjoy.

Introduction: My Ideal Partner Traits

I used to take what I could get. I did that because I spent no time consciously thinking about what I actually wanted and how I could attract those girls. For the majority of my life, there were large gaps of girlessness with brief periods of even briefer female interaction. I had only one girlfriend of less than 6 months until I was 22 years old.

This slowly changed a few years ago when I started to improve myself in the direction of the girl’s I wanted. I think of it as dressing for a job interview. You’re selling them an image you know they want. But, it has to be congruent with who you are or it won’t work out long-term.

With this knowledge and self-improvement came a more varied and accessible selection of women. Women value high achievers.

Additionally with maturity, I started to realize that my time is so valuable. I needed to start understanding who I had long and short term potential with and, more importantly, why. Dating is time-consuming.

From that thought, sprung this list, something I could have benefited from years ago.

Part of the below came from thinking alone. Part came from thinking about prior relationships. Part came from thoughtfully reading a relationship book. And, part came from a discussion with a like-minded friend who has a list of his own and a very compatible long-term girlfriend. They’re perfect together.

The list is exhaustive and a constant work in progress. Please note, also, that the list is my ideal partner. I realize that compromise is necessary and one girl probably won’t have even half of the below traits. However, I’ve identified those traits I know are essential for a successful long-term relationship.

This list is for me and to get you to start thinking. Because it’s for me, I don’t explain the “why” much of the time. If you have questions about a particular trait, ask in the comments. I’m especially interested in women’s point of views as it relates to more of the politically incorrect partner traits below. Am I being fair?

It is in rough order of importance.

If I had to summarize my ideal mate into one sentence, here goes: An attractive woman who takes care of herself physically and mentally. In the conclusion, I will expand on this slightly.

Men are primarily visual creatures. First comes physical attraction for us. As such, let’s start there..

Physical

This section covers only what she physically looks like to the outside world.

• Body Shape
  • A gym girl! This is number one for a reason. To me, it means she discovered the gym, but more importantly the weight room and has incorporated lifting weight into her workout routine. This is of paramount importance.
  • Strong, muscle tone, tight skin, etc.
  • If we need to run from the cops, we can both hop that fence 🙂
• Height
  • I prefer shorter
  • Between 4’10 and 5’5 (147cm and 165cm)
• Weight
  • 110lbs/50kgs or less
  • This makes cuddling and… more fun
• What does her mom and immediate family look like?
  • Genetics is real. If your parents are lazy and unhealthy in their later years, you probably will be, too.
  • They shouldn’t look like everyone else. That is, overweight. It’s depressing and of the wrong mindset. It shows me their values which probably indicate her values.
• Boobs
  • I’m a boob guy. Maybe vain, but 100% true. They attract and keep my attention. Perky, medium-sized, small nipples and I’m in heaven.
• Straight, white teeth
• Long, silky hair and healthy skin
• Age
  • Historically, I’ve dated older, but as I get older, I tend to date younger
• Complexion
• Nose shape
  • I’ll admit, this one is odd! I’m keeping it in to make you think! I’ll explain this one with a question: why do you like one face over another? Why do you think one person is attractive and your friend does not? Obviously, you know you’re attracted, but do you know why? I didn’t. And, still don’t, but I’ve noticed that I typically am attracted to a girl where I can see a little bit of dark space below their nostrils. Maybe a slight turnup nose?

Skills or Interests

This section is about what she likes to do, both mentally and physically.

• Cooking
  • This is a lost, but valuable skill. If you’ve ever dated someone who cooks, especially if they’re a good cook, you know what I mean. This is a must for me. I’m a cook. She must be.
• Cuddling
  • For me, it’s better than sex. I love doing it, even while sleeping.
• A good dancer
• Hobbies or talents
  • She should have specific answers to ‘what do you do in your free time?’ that is not sleeping or watching TV. It’s almost important that she values and shows interest in my own hobbies.
  • I usually ask the question “what are you an expert at?” If there is no answer, it’s a bad sign.
• Coordinated and athletic
  • She should enjoy sports and physical activity
  • If it looks like she skipped all of physical education classes in middle school, it’s a turnoff.
• Back scratcher or massages
  • I’m one of the only people on the planet who prefers back scratches to massages. However, there are no shops where I can purchase back scratches. And, there is a skill to it. Usually, I’m not a fan of massages, but if she’s good, that’s an always welcomed bonus.
•  Intelligence
  • The answer to this question is important: ‘what was the last thing you learned?’
  • Extremely intelligence by societal standards (high grades in school, went to college, etc.) is not important
  • What’s more important to me is if she has the mental processing power (this could be called the ability to be smart)?
• Flexible

Values or Mindset

This section covers something usually never thought of consciously and that is your deeply held beliefs about what you must have in your life.

• Synergy
  • We become greater when we’re together. We compliment each other. We make a good team (especially in public). We have each other’s backs, problems are solved quickly because we’re of the same mindset and value system.
  • Once I was on vacation with my girlfriend and I petted a street dog (one of my weaknesses; I actually got sick in Guatemala for doing this). When I was done, she came over with a towel so I could wash off my hands, something I probably wouldn’t have done on my own.
• Learning
  • A desire to learn about subjects that interest her.
  • I was chatting with a girl who was quarantined during coronavirus, and she told me how bored she was after two days. That was a turnoff for me because it showed me that she cannot entertain herself. She is not taking this opportunity to improve.
  • What it also means is usually her entertainment comes from other people, phone applications, the TV, etc. While you can learn from these things, if that’s where it ends, I’m of a different mindset. Mindset is huge. It solves for most everything else.
• Paternal Figure
  • The position of her father in her family is important. He should clearly be the male of the family and respected. The opposite is taking a passive role and allowing the wife to totally run the family and boss him around.
  • I’m traditional. The man has his roles as does the woman.
• Entertainment
  • We should enjoy many of the same forms of entertainment
  • For example, while I enjoy movies for pure entertainment (ie action or comedy’s), I much prefer documentaries. If she thinks documentaries are boring, this is a large facet of our lives that we can’t share together with mutual enjoyment.
  • It’s true for anything we have opposite views regarding entertainment. If she likes the symphony and I don’t, etc. I think it’s healthy to spend time alone or away from each other, but many entertainment activities should be shared.
• Forgiveness
  • Shit happens. Bad shit happens. She must be able to totally forgive and not hold a grudge.
  • As an extreme example, let’s assume we have a hypothetical married couple where the husband was unfaithful 20+ years earlier and the wife is unwilling to forget. During arguments, she brings this up frequently which has the effect of ending the conversation awkwardly. In this case either you split up or forgive, but it would not be a shadow hanging over the couple for the rest of their lives.
  • A good indicator of this is to find out how many lifelong enemies she has. Listen up for this in conversations about her past. If she has too many, it’s a red flag. Also how she explains these situations gives a peek at her ability to forgive and forget.
• Evolving
  • Constant improvement; she needs to constantly be wanting to improve, gaining abilities and starting new hobbies and habits
  • The answer to this question is important: “what are you learning?”
• Extreme open-mindedness
  • She must understand and be ok with the opposing viewpoint.
  • For example, she can be Vegan, but is she okay with meat-eaters? She can be conservative, but can she understand the viewpoints of liberals?
  • Having a black and white, right or wrong mindset is not compatible with my view of the world. There are always valid points on both sides of an argument. Having a mindset of ‘you’re either with us or against us’ causes an extremist Muslim to blow up himself and innocent people. No, thank you to anything related to that mindset.
  • Has tried drugs (sparingly) in the past or is open to trying them?
    • This has to do with her mindset. If she has never tried drugs and has a valid reason for this, it’s acceptable. However, if her logic ends at the legality, this is an issue. I think it’s crazy that your government tells you what is considered an illegal drug and what is ok. Just because they put the drug on a banned drug list makes you totally not ok with it? The older generation is like this. This way of thinking is counter to my own. It represents a simpletons mindset, average or normal in all respects, and is diametrically opposed to my own mindset. This person is a sheep who follows and does not think for themselves and this lack of critical thinking is not compatible with who I am.
  • Having started taking drugs at an early age (say, before 15 years old) is a warning sign
• Diet
  • A healthy diet. My definition of this is flexible, but if she doesn’t drink water or eat vegetables (both true stories) or something crazy like that, it’s a warning.
• Smoking
  • Never smoked cigarettes consistently including “only when I’m drunk”
  • Marijuana is ok as long as she was not a daily user at any point in her life more than a short phase of a few months.
• Family relationships
  • If I’m going to marry a girl, I’m going to marry her family, too. That’s an important part of a strong relationship.
  • I met a guy in Ukraine once who told me a story about being sued by his brother over their parent’s inheritance. The more details he revealed, the more of his family was against him, the more I realized that probably he was the oddball, not the rest of his family.
• Money
  • Basic intelligence with money. That means no significant debt.
  • She cannot see money as an easy way out/money has to be viewed as a luxury, not a right.
    • A friend told me a story about his girlfriend which highlights this value perfectly. His girlfriend wasn’t getting paid at work by her employer for a couple of months. Instead of defaulting to asking her boyfriend for money (the easy way out), she decided to move back in with her parents and commute to work an hour.
    • Contrast that with a girl I dated who was constantly asking for a little bit of money to pay rent or feed her three cats. She was not good with money (why do you have two cats if you cannot pay rent?).
• She must be a saver.
  • One of my good female friends used to work in Las Vegas. She’s very attractive and earned over $100k per year, mostly in untaxed gratuity. Not only did she spend all of this on shoes and other useless things she no longer has, she overspent and is now in debt looking for a man to bail her out (the easy way) as she’s not interested in finding a job.
  • I was the Airbnb property manager for a woman making between $5,000 – $10,000 per month on her basement for an entire year before one guest asked to cancel their reservation. The owner asked me what I thought she should do while adding that she could really use the money. While understanding I’m not in her financial position, I also remember thinking, what!?! You haven’t saved anything from about $90,000 in the past year of bonus income? There were minimal improvements to the house over the past year including a leaking shower that 50% of guests complained about.
• Homemaking
  • She should value a clean home and doing the tasks necessary to accomplish this. One of my least favorite activities is doing the dishes.
• Career versus family
  • I have traditional views of a relationship. I’m the man, I will be the provider. While she can have a career, especially if it’s something she loves doing, family and I must come first.
  • What this means is that she probably cannot be in a strenuous, 50+ hour week, male-dominated career.
• Politics
  • This is not important to me given my open-mindedness value above. However, I recognize that some political issues are deeply ingrained and likely wouldn’t be compatible if we’re the opposite as it would lead to friction.
• Religion
  • Either not religious or only identifying with one

Personality or Behavior/Attitude

This section represents her way of doing things, including interacting with others both publicly and privately.

• Supportive
  • She is my biggest fan as I am hers. There should be a deep desire for my success.
  • I remember being part of a conversation with people very close to me. The man had some entrepreneurial projects going on and the woman made, during an argument, a comment about his prior failed entrepreneurial projects. This is unacceptable and the opposite of the team-mentality I’m seeking.
  • It’s important that you appear as a unified team in public.
• Promiscuity
  • A history of a few long relationships.
  • Not having started off her sexuality at an early age, going to clubs while underage, etc.
• Stress
  • Not internalizing problems. Instead, looking at problems as opportunities.
  • Not the victim of her problems.
  • I’ll usually ask how prior relationships ended. If she says it’s always his fault, this shows an unwillingness or inability to see both sides and be rational.
• Outgoing
  • As I can be reserved in public situations, I appreciate an outgoing girl who knows how to push my limits and help me out of my shell.
• Arguments
  • Able to act normally in public, even after a fight. While emotions are okay and encouraged, she shouldn’t constantly communicate a dysfunctional relationship to the world.
  • Arguments should not morph into irrational and personal attacks.
  • I know a couple who often gets in arguments in the company of friends. It’s not uncommon for the woman to mention something irrelevant and personal with the purpose of ending the argument. To her, it’s valid and results in her winning the argument. But really, it breeds resentment towards her in everyone who heard.
• Low-maintenance communication
  • Doesn’t require constant communication
  • In the past, I’d dated a girl who constantly sent a text saying ‘hi’ without anything else to say. Real life is for conversation, digital forms are mostly to communicate information.
  • Given our connectedness, we seem to be expected to be in constant communication. This is the first time in the history of the world where it seems we’re to be connected even when separated and at all times. It seems an hour-long delay in response is unacceptable. She must understand that busy men are successful men.
  • She has to be ok understanding that she has my full attention when we’re together, but does not get my attention at all times.
• Motherly
• Socializing
  • In group settings, able to interact with others well while showing me attention
• Social circle
  • Has a large circle of friends who are achievers and high-level
• Talkative
  • Words are our most powerful tool
  • Talkativeness is great, but what is being talked about is important. Is it constantly pop culture and gossip or more meaningful topics?
  • Conversely, an ability to know when silence is preferred. A prior girlfriend was super talkative and seemed to be freaked out by any silence. When I asked for silence, she often got offended and left the room.

Other Partner Trait Considerations

• Sleep rhythm
  • Does she get up early and go to bed late?
    • This could have its advantages, but ultimately I think it’s a downside as it creates daily friction.
• How does she deal with adversity?
  • When the stress level is high or we don’t get what we want, our true colors come out. Be especially vigilant about noticing behaviors that arise from brand new situations.
• Minimalism
  • As a minimalist who values the many benefits associated indirectly with this lifestyle, is she the opposite?
• Siblings
  • Is she the only child?
  • Does it matter what position she is of her siblings?
• Past traumas
  • Any past, lingering traumas like an addiction, abusive father or boyfriend?
• Do you want her to look similar to you in terms of skin color?
  • Do you want the child to look similar to you?
  • Do you want strangers wondering if you’re the dad?
• Diseases
  • Genetically, do certain diseases run in the family?

Conclusion: My Ideal Partner Traits

Wow. You did it. Now share with me your top 5 ideal partner traits in the comments. I’ll start:

• Physical attraction (gym girl!)
• Good, strong immediate family relationships
• Alternate mindset (open-minded, minimalist)
• Synergy, we make a great team
• She’s a cook!
• Outgoing
• Must love cuddling

If you think we’d make a great team, please get in touch with me ASAP via my website or Instagram 🙂

Danny Rusteen

In 2015, Danny got fired from Airbnb. Just two years later, he started two successful businesses and wrote a best-selling book. Since then, he's become a bodybuilding, location-independent, minimalist traveling the world while living in Airbnbs. He describes himself as a skeptic, contrarian, and expert cuddler. In his spare time he reads, cooks, and plays basketball. Follow his journey on Instagram or YouTube.