Guys in their 20s dating

Deep-seated insecurities your man might be hiding

Dating a guy in his 20s can feel like getting a dog. First, you’re floored by his cuteness. He can do nothing wrong, and every minute you spend together is fun and magical.

Then, you realize he’s kind of high-maintenance. He needs lots of attention, care, and cleaning up after. What’s more, the fun record seems to be the only one he plays. Most of the time, he’s totally oblivious to what’s going on and keeps chasing his own tail. Slowly, you begin to wonder: Is he worth it?

In your early 20s, focusing on the fun parts of relationships feels fine, and you’re not too worried about whether the sex, the adventures, the good times last. As you’re nearing your 30s, however, your perspective starts to change.

You don’t want a dog. You want a human being. Someone who acts like an adult, who can support you through thick and thin, and who’s willing to weather both the ups and the downs.

It’s not uncommon for men to “grow up” a little later than women, but there’s always a reason for it — often more than one. We don’t reject adulthood because we’re childish, we’re scared of the traumas we’ll have to face once we decide to give life our best shot. Having fun is a cover-up.

If you’ve ever felt a guy in his 20s acted more like a teenager and behaved unreasonably, chances are, he struggled with something and didn’t tell you about it. Below are five of those somethings.

Don’t see them as reasons to babysit, but consider them as uncovered, deep-seated pains. Gaps in your relationship you can — and should — try to bridge together so both of you can thrive.

Life is tough and so is finding love. Everyone has a hard time with it. This is no one’s fault in particular, but, as a result, you might end up with a guy who has no idea what a healthy, loving relationship should feel and be like.

Maybe, the girls he dated were immature, emotionally unavailable, or struggling with their own issues. Of course, so was he.

There is a lot we can do by ourselves to get a grip on our emotions, but it’s common to only really learn and start to do this work in our 20s. When I was 18, I was cracking jokes in school, playing video games, and had ice cream for dinner. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Even after we begin developing emotional maturity, some things we can’t learn in a vacuum. Honest communication, managing expectations, processing and making up for disappointments, it takes two to discover what makes good relationships thrive.

Unless he’s had a picture perfect upbringing or excellent role models — maybe not even then — the guy in his 20s you like might desperately need someone to attend Relationships 101 with him. If you do too, maybe you can do it together.

In a world full of porn, porn, and more porn, it’s hard to imagine a guy carrying his virginity all the way into his 20s, but we do exist, and the porn is actually a large part of it.

While the awareness and informal knowledge around sex may be at all-time highs, young people have less sex than ever. The technologization of communication has eroded our real-world communication skills, and the skewed economics of online dating require relentless effort for average-looking guys, to say nothing of the psychological pressure from all the rejection. Sadly, it’s not a surprise that some guys just give up.

If you’ve been watching porn since you were 10, 11, 12 years old, at some point, the comfort of a few clicks and faps habitually crowds out other, more natural touch-, love- and sex-seeking behaviors. With 12–14% of both males and females still being virgins up to age 24, your chances of ending up with one aren’t all that small. Even if your man isn’t, he might still have a porn problem or lack fundamental skills in the bedroom — all of which is worth talking about because, well, talking is how good sex starts, lasts, and ends.

Public discourse can make it seem like we’ve come a long way in terms of gender stereotypes, and, to an extent, we have. But the reality of a high school in a 40,000-people town somewhere in the middle of nowhere is vastly different from some of our enlightened discussions on the internet.

As nicely as it reads that “alpha male talk is bullshit,” that bullshit is still very much pushed on boys from a young age — and it’s hard to get it out of your system. You can be told we’re all equal and that guys can be sensitive, but when you see the athlete dating the pretty girl, the bully picking a fight, the asshole getting all the attention, you don’t just wonder, you get in line.

No one deserves to be put into a box, but destroying the boxes in our mind takes time. Of course, this isn’t to say you should just endure your man prematurely judging you. When he does that, smack him on the head.

After you do, however, start a conversation. Keep the words flowing. Ask him why he believes what he believes, how he formed that opinion, and whether he ever doubted it or if it makes him feel uncomfortable at times.

Chances are, he’s eager to get rid of his preconceptions. He just needs some validation that he’s on the right track. Maybe, you can show him the way.

One of those stereotypes your man likely struggles with is “being successful.” Whether he feels responsible for being a future breadwinner (another stereotype), desolate at the fact that he’s not earning money at 25, or pressured from seeing his work environment as highly competitive, 20-something men never lack reasons to freak out about their career.

It doesn’t matter whether their anxiety is rational or totally misplaced, it’s there, and it’ll likely affect your relationship. In some cases, the pressure needs to be taken off, in others cranked up. Regardless, you can assume a lot of your man’s thoughts are circling around work, success, and the future.

This isn’t to say you should permanently listen to him venting or complaining. It’s an encouragement to address the topic which, incidentally, you might think a lot about too. Talk about your careers together, and don’t let gender expectations get in the way of navigating the world of work together.

People problems are communication problems. Many of us struggle to express ourselves clearly, regardless of age. Young men in particular often find it difficult to make the simplest of statements — especially those that might expose them as vulnerable or make them look weak.

“I don’t know,” “I don’t understand,” or “Can you repeat this?” these don’t come natural when you think it’s your job to know, to understand, and to compete. Men’s troubles with communication both stem from and affect all of the issues above. It’s not that they can’t be resolved, it’s that we feel we can’t address them as actual problems.

When men spend time with men, activities often revolve more around sports and games, less around talking and listening, let alone covering sensitive, personal, deep topics. If you happen to have more experience in sharing and addressing those, take the lead or make it easy for your guy to dip a toe into the water.

We all need safe space to open our proverbial kimonos, but we also tend to offer that same space to those who first gave it to us. We like to reciprocate, but, when it comes to simple, clear-cut communication, you might have to put some words into our mouth — because no one showed us where to find them.