Men online dating are insecure

07-28-2019, 11:01 PM

It isn't so much that overbearing people don't exist in other dating venues...it's just that they get more quickly weeded out in face to face interactions. If you're, say, the demanding, insistent, high-pressure guy at the bar, it's often obvious from the get-go. If you're that guy online, you might still have an interesting profile and be able to engage somebody on your best behavior when things are still in the early messaging/phone stage, and it takes a little longer for the weirdly possessive, coming on too strong tendencies to make themselves known. It's easier to be more cagey before it's a face-to-face thing.

I met my husband after engaging him online, and he always acted like a normal person (and still does!). But I will concur with others, that if you are going to online date, you have to assume a certain proportion of socially awkward behavior...be it overbearing people, flaky people, etc. It just goes with the territory. It exists in other dating formats, too, but the online factor lends itself to even more of it.

Just gotta have the patience/attitude for separating the wheat from the chaff, if you will. If not, it will be a tiresome medium for you.

07-29-2019, 08:54 AM

OLD is very frustrating from a man's point of view. What you are probably seeing is a guy who goes thru this time after time.

I had a couple rules. Burn phone so no nutjobs had my real number. One email in response to their ad, then move on. If communication abruptly stopped, no more conversation from me. Stood up (never happened but just in case) no more communication. And last of all NEVER bother someone or appear needy.

Personally, i learned many women are not looking for more than a meal or a meal and sex. More than one had a little black book where she scheduled dates. One had so many guys on the string she thought I was someone else. Lol. Another admitted to only wanting meals, while another admitted being in it only for sex. She had over 100 hookups in two years! One of them was not me after hearing that.

OLD was very frustrating. I will stick to the grocery store and laundromat.

07-29-2019, 10:33 AM

Props to your wits, but I just pointed out obvious things.
Anyone can be played and strung along, but online dating is generally "low investment" strategy and it enables people to utilize and scale the playing field for their schemes in a much more efficient and with far less effort than if they tried to employ it in their "real" life.

07-29-2019, 10:34 AM

Anyway, it's not surprising that ultimately, many people do look for restaurant outings, entertainment and sex, it's all part of the package of modern dating. If a person doesn't want to do those things and only wants companionship, he could always visit a senior citizens center and make friends with some of the people there, who might be lonely. I can't say I fault these women for being interested in meals and sex with a partner.

07-29-2019, 11:06 AM

I feel that there is a thing...and I don't know if it's more common with guys or not, and I won't assume, but my ex sure as heck does it, and I have tried with some of our long-term struggling fellas here to say, "You are doing the thing, friend."

It's like, you do not get the success you're looking for, for a while, and it becomes a mindset where you cannot let go the outcome and be zen about it. You have to know as soon as possible whether this connection is a pass or fail. No maybe's allowed! Like there is a feeling that if you invest in something, even a bit, and it doesn't work out, the disappointment will be crushing, so it's better to set it on fire early on, to avoid that. It's preferable to turn a "maybe" into a no, than to take the chance on it becoming a yes or a no at some future point, and having to cope with the uncertainty and fear the invested-disappointment.

In some situations (my ex) this pattern could apply even when one has relationships...if some of them end in a partner cheating, you start right off the bat accusing a new partner of cheating or expecting that they will. My ex told me from the beginning that some day I would, because it was inevitable, as women "could not be trusted." Wow dude.

The common thread is the element of control. If you steer your car off a cliff, at least you had the power and control to orchestrate your own failure, rather than leaving it to chance or to someone else to determine your fate.

I would be very interested to know if this "thing" also happens with women because I have mostly observed it in men, but that could very well be put down to who I'm talking to about what life experiences. No judgment, only curiosity. I had hypothesized that the men I know are very goal-oriented, and that may play a part in it.

07-29-2019, 12:21 PM

Not all men are alike online...or offline...(just like females aren't). All kinds of people....but I can tell you, if you start taking what happens with a couple of guys & immediately turn it into an "all guys" are like this or that kinda thing, you are going to sound jaded, cynical & impatient...& you will miss your chance when a guy who is worth it does come along......just like dating in the real world too. You're there....& you wouldn't consider yourself impatient or insecure...would you? Just remember.....it can take weeks or months & months of *any kind of dating* to meet someone you really connect to. It's not easy no matter what & that is why there are so many single people meeting, connecting or breaking up every day..........good luck!

07-29-2019, 12:37 PM

Some people want to play games. Or it's their way of ghosting you if they change their minds. Some people really get way too manipulative about this kind of thing. People don't know how to say "no" or they are trying too hard to look for the "perfect person" because they think that there's someone they can get that's even better than you. So, they want to keep their options open and decide last minute much of the time. Instead of trying to maximize one's possibility, one should go with something good. There is no perfect person- just a lot of good options that may be very different. I wish more people would aim for that instead. Maybe there would be a lot more empathy and a lot less inconsiderateness and less unreasonable prejudice.