10 Signs You Need To Get Off Dating Apps
They may be convenient but they’re not for everyone.
Dating apps had an idyllic start: they promised a romantic connection in a busy world. People we usually wouldn’t meet were only a swipe away. They pledged convenience and finding that perfect someone, wrapped up in one app.
But that was many years ago. Dating apps have morphed into something completely different now. While some people still find love on apps like Bumble and Hinge, many people use dating apps for the wrong reasons. Research shows that one in six single people are addicted to using dating apps. What was once harmless swimming has turned into something darker, something causing a lot of people pain.
And love shouldn’t be painful, right? Well, at least in terms of simply finding someone to go on a date with.
Next time you’re swiping, be aware of these signs that it may be time to take a break from dating apps.
I have a friend, we’ll call him Greg.
He’s a single guy living in Austin. Greg works at a trendy tech startup and is in his mid-twenties.
I heard through mutual friends of Greg’s obsession with dating apps. But when he came to visit one week, I saw it with my own eyes.
My friend would download whichever app he was in the mood for, re-login, and talk to a few girls. Mere hours later, he’d delete the app and exclaim that dating apps sucked hard. He’d repeat this download-delete-download cycle over and over.
This sounds like an addiction to me. One that clearly causes Greg a lot of distress. Regularly announcing your departure from dating apps, and changing your mind later that day or week is unhealthy and might be an indication they’re not right for you.
I’m guilty of this one. If I re-downloaded my Bumble account, I’d see a slew of men that I talked to for days, maybe even weeks, and never met in person.
At this point, the app becomes a texting app more so than a dating app.
Comedian Aziz Ansari talks about this phenomenon in his book Modern Romance. He states, “The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your nights in endless exchanges with strangers.”
Sooner or later, one of you will lose interest. Or you’ll be forever pen pals. I’m not sure which one is sadder.
That feeling of someone really cute matching with you is fantastic, but it’s also fleeting. Sure, having a queue of people wanting to talk with you is great, but that feeling won’t last forever. It’s only a matter of time before you want more. If that desire isn’t met, you’re left feeling a massive dent in your self-esteem.
But your self-worth isn’t found in dating apps. It’s not at the careless mercy of a stranger swiping left and right on people they’ve never met.
If you feel addicted to matching with someone, your self-worth may be at risk. Taking some time away from dating apps and fostering your self-esteem could do you a lot of good.
Check-in with yourself: do dating apps bring you joy or suck it out of you?
I know that we all want to find love; it’s part of the hierarchy of needs. But love comes at its own pace and time. You can’t rush it.
Being on dating apps is a Catch 22. You see all these possibilities, but there’s room to feel like none of it is meant for you. If you feel sadder after being on dating apps, it’s time to delete them and focus on your well-being.
If by 10 am you’ve checked your dating apps at least several times, you may be obsessing.
There’s one thing to check messages in the morning, at lunch, and at night. But there’s another to use any free moment to scroll through your apps.
Obsessively checking dating apps gives finding a partner a lot of power. The process should be fun, or at the very least neutral. If you feel distressed about wanting to check your dating apps continually, maybe it’s time to take a break from them.
Usually, people get on dating apps with a purpose: they want to hook up, date around, find love, or make dating app response accounts on Instagram.
But if you’re on dating apps with no real purpose, you’re wasting your time. You're going to continue the cycle of swiping and talking and swiping and talking until you’re a dating app expert that’s never been on an actual date.
Define what your purpose is for being on apps. If you can’t think of one, consider getting off them entirely.
Instead, may I suggest something like a hobby?
I can barely remember to respond to my mother, let alone carry on a conversation with twenty different dudes on three different apps.
There’s no point in spreading yourself thin. You’re going to feel overwhelmed. Pick one app, focus your energy on finding a few people to go on dates with, and make those happen before moving on.
Being on more than one or two apps casts too wide of a net. Reel it in or go home.
A tell-tale sign of addiction is being aware of something that causes you pain and continuing to use it. Hello, it’s quite simple.
If you’re complaining about how much dating apps suck all the time but continue to use them, you need to change your dating medium. Because *gasp* there are other ways of meeting people out there.
In my opinion, you can never go wrong with meeting your friend’s friends. Or, go out and make more friends and meet who they hang out with.
Not working for you? Go to meet-up groups. Attend that reading by one of your favorite authors. Get out into the world.
Meet people IRL.
Online apps allow for something unique: a perfectly molded public image of ourselves.
We control how other people perceive us. And, most of the time, we try to make that perception as best as possible. After all, online dating relies heavily on first impressions.
But when you try to act like someone you’re not, there’s an issue.
Telling people you work in law when really you’re a firm’s receptionist is deceptive. Posting photos of foreign cars in a garage that’s actually a friend of your uncle’s is kind of embarrassing.
Your intentions are questionable if you’re trying to hide people from seeing the real you. Plus, it’s not good for your psyche to create this “better” version of yourself that you can’t live up to.
One time, I was sitting in a Whole Foods. Two guys, in their thirties, sat down next to me. Naturally, I listened in on their conversation.
One of the guys described a girl he met that he actually liked. He felt conflicted, though, because he didn’t know if he wanted to commit. His friend replied, Why? There are so many fish in the sea. Keep seeing what’s out there.
And at that moment, it took everything in me not to turn around and pour his kombucha on his head.
Let me break two things to you:
- No one will ever be perfect
- A great connection is hard to find
If you’re checking Bumble before you’re even done with your current date, there’s an issue. Your intentions aren’t in the right place if you think there will always be something better. Plus, it’s not fair to the people you date.
Give imperfect love a chance or get off apps and spare the people you match with.
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