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Reflections from a White Woman on Dating An Indian Man

If you are a regular reader of my blog I’m sure you will be happy to learn that in January – after about 18 months – I finally met a SINGLE smart, handsome Indian power guy (ahhhh the best kind!) who I basically fell head-over-heels coo coo for ‘at first sight’ and we started dating. He felt the same way and for a few weeks we dated, spending every possible moment together getting to know each other. In the end, I don’t know what will happen with us and if we have a future because we live very far away from each other – but two interesting things happened while dating an Indian man for the second time since moving to Bangalore that have really made me stop and think … or in one case GASP!

First, it was great to realise that not all Indian men are afraid to be with a white, divorced women for fear of what their parents will say. Obviously I haven’t dated much in India, two men isn’t enough to make a truly convincing case on the subject, so my experience level is low. But I hear time and time again from dear friends who really do LIKE me as a person and care about me something along the lines of “Indian men want to take a foreigner out for a drive but they will drive home an Indian woman to marry.” So that mixed with my first experience dating an Indian man who told me straight-up from the start that we “have no future” because of the pressure from his family and the media due to his profession … well, it was a nice change of pace to be with someone who told me he had no issue with that at all.

All this time I sort of thought that if I were younger, or maybe if I’d never been married, or if I didn’t have my lovely daughter in her last year of high school that maybe I could have a relationship with an Indian man. The white women in their 20s and early 30s who I know don’t seem to have any problem. But it just turns out that I haven’t met the right Indian man for ME yet. Feelin’ pretty good about that realisation I’ve gotta say because I do love this country and I sort of thought there was no relationship hope for me if I stayed.

The second thing that happened really took me by surprise. I am used to being stared at simply because I look differentand stand out here in India. I never take it negatively because everyone takes a peek just out of curiosity. From cute groups of nuns-in-training power walking around Richards Park in their sweet pink sarees, to little girls who wave as they pass by me, to uni students or power women and, of course, most Indian men who spot me. Normally it never bothers me at all but this time it did.

I was sat next to my ‘power guy’ on the same side of the table – instead of across from each other – at the quaint and lovely North-West Indian restaurant Samarkhand, enjoying some wine and their damn tasty lamb chops. A large table of 10 guests across the room stood up and one by one started making their way for the door when the ‘mom’ spotted us sitting close to each other and chatting. I noticed her stop so I looked up, and she turned to her daughter and said something along the lines of “ohhh, look at him trying out a gori’ loud enough for us to hear across the room. Then she proceeded to point, bring in what looked like her sister into the gossip-fest … they pointed, laughed. She stared with a look of disgust at me and continued to gossip to each family member as they filed by, pointing and judging us.

What the hell?

I had a pashmina around me, no skin was showing except from around the collar bone up to my neck and I looked ‘nice’ and moderately conservative so it wasn’t my attire. She was judging us because I wasn’t born in the same country she was without knowing a thing about me. It really is the first time in India that I’ve experienced this and it sort of shocked me to be honest. After a spell, I stared hard right back, waved to them (though I had considered flipping her the bird, I did decide to take a classier approach to the situation). That sort of broke it up and they continued out the door.

The incident didn’t ruin more than another 30 seconds of our night and then we went back to having fun – because at the end of the day she’s the one who had a problem, not us. My guess is that she feels compelled to try and place others below her to make herself feel better about herself or the life that she’s living. Or maybe she’s just racist. I suppose that is a possibility as well. But it is hard for me to understand because I truly – from the bottom of my heart – feel that everyone is equal and no one race or nation or group is superior to another. Sure, some nations might be techier or more advanced with equal rights for women, human rights or have men that believe that half of the household chores belong to them too {insert smile here}. But I don’t understand why two people – no matter where they are from – can’t fall in love. And why the colour of their skin or where they were born should be any concern to anyone else but themselves.

Passing judgement on people without knowing a thing about them is a terrible pastime. I suppose we all size people up by the look of them – judging a book by its cover so to speak. But taking it any further like that woman did is just awful. That side of dating an Indian man is something I won’t relish experiencing ever again and I’m fairly certain that it would be a rather frequent reality.

All things said and done, even though I have no idea what our future holds, I don’t regret a moment of it and I love the way I feel … both about him and the general aura of being a woman in love. Indian men are handsome (I love that dark chocolate coloured skin!) sweet and warm and caring … and in my experience, complete and absolute gentlemen.

XOXO Angela

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Angela Carson

At 21 I left uni, jumped into my Jeep Wrangler, and drove from my native California to live an adventure in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I've explored 37 countries on 4 continents, residing in 8 of them (currently Indonesia's Riau Islands is my home). I even have a private pilot's license and was shot at once by bandits!

This Post Has 126 Comments

Your not alone 🙂 Happens vice versa too….Indian man dating a white girl ( when in US ).
1. Really? But not in Los Angeles or NY or Miami or any other liberal state right? Has to be just the conservative states??
  1. White people live in a bubble that everything is great and there is no racism in most or all parts of USA.
    Sadly this illusion, persisted and still persists as media is not ready to report from “other” view point.
    Only with blogs, regular people have unfiltered and have a chance to be heard..
    You will be shocked at the current reality..
    ofcourse most white people do not want to believe and think that non-whites are making these up or trying to extract some money..
  2. Sam kind of got right to the point here. For an Indian man dating in LA or NY or Miami can be even harder, not just because of frowning upon it, but because most white women in the United States are biased against dating Indian, M.E. or Asian men.
    1. Varun
      Your comment is a huge generalization and completely untrue unless of course you know MOST of the white women in the USA?
    2. I’ve never been against dating someone different than myself culturally/nationally. In fact, I’m single because I seek someone like me but different. Oh, well. To the gym I go, and the local India Bazaar grocery store. Who knows. Irving, Texas, too.
      1. Haha I met my girl friend who’s white (I’m Indian) in Austin, Texas and I do remember her friend who was from Irving, Texas who was with her at that time. She was really happy for both of us too.
      2. From an Indian guy whose been in a relationship with a white girl, honestly Indian guys out there, if you feel discriminated, or consciously avoided, most of the time it is because of your personal qualities or attractiveness. Lets be real, is your personality welcoming and interesting? Are you well dressed and well groomed like other American men? Do you work out like most other American men? It is a level playing field, you have to oust your competition. For example, Bollywood actor Rithvik Roshan could get any girl he wanted, regardless of race or anything like that. The problem is that a large portion of us Indians are raised with school first, social life later mindset. As a result you have these 25 year old Indian men that have less interesting personalities, less masculine attractiveness than their caucasian counterparts who have been developing their social skills from the ages of puberty. To Indian Guys who feel incapable of chasing women you feel you are unsuitable for, stop secluding yourself within boundaries, and do some introspection. Don’t blame society for what you have failed to do. Work on yourself and you’ll see success.
  3. It definitely goes both ways and sideways. I have been dating an Indian man, I’m white, and we live in a very liberal area of the US, we are both educated professionals. My family still asks me “what is it with you and the brown guys” and warns me about how eastern culture devalues women. He is ever confronted by his friends with “why are you breaking the rules by dating a white woman” and asked if he’s ready to settle with an Indian wife. Both perspectives are presumptuous and disrespectful IMO, but they are often aired, and usually with a protective intent, and mostly people turn them into good-natured jibes or jokes. These reactions were based SOLELY on appearance and nationality…if only they knew there were more to the story (age, kids, divorce), we’d have an all out nuclear war to deal with!
    It also takes a certain amount of getting over yourself and your own expectations. It’s a lot of work to acknowledge and address your own cultural baggage and at some point you ask yourself, is it really worth it? In our case, we have always been honest about the challenges: we enjoy each others’ company, the future is yet undetermined, and it works for us for now. If we come out of this as nothing more than good friends it will have been worth the experience.
    1. Thank you Sasank for speaking the truth. I am an Indian woman and have preferred to date white men when living in UK precisely for the reasons you have mentioned. I hope more Indians would realise this and improve their social skills without automatically assuming that just because they are men they can reach to any woman they want without first having to work on themselves.
  4. You’d be surprised. I live in DC and I’ve notified desi, in particular women, staring at me and my then Indian boyfriend. I understood why but it still made me angry.
  5. Angela,Its not just you who are curious about Indian men or keen to form a opinion about them.I have seen a lot of American women’s showing interest in Indian men.Though what the future holds for such relationships,has a big question mark.
    I will tell u a bit about my experience with not a typical “American Gori” but with a African American girl.It was four years back she hails from North Carolina and was pursuing her graduation from University of Virginia.I think we felt that special chemistry b/w us on our very 1st meeting through Skype.She showed keen interest in me as a person and was smitten by the charm of “Sharooq Khan”Her idea of India and Indian men is what she has learn through Yash Chopra’s Bollywood movies.Soon the romance was in air,from bollywood movies to hollywood,to indian authors,to indian cuisines,to places in india.we almost shared every bit of each other’s culture and aspirations.The tete a tete lasted for almost for two years.We started dreaming about having a future.I spoke to her dad also on various occasions.Though the turning point of the relationship was “religion”.She is a Catholic Christian and I am a Hindu and she was adamant of me adopting her religion.though we tried to overcome this issue but its keep coming up.I think it was the turning point.Soon she joined Department of Justice and snapped all ties with me.
    Long Distance Relationships hardly founds a future.Though u are in India and u have Indianized yourself a lot.Source:-Loved ur pic in saree!I hope ur dating and meeting turns out into a beautful Relationship and u will be able to find ur Dream Indian Man.All The Best!
    1. Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to be so open and share your experience. It’s always fun to play voyeur and read about someone else for a change 🙂 And… I’m moving to Australia in August 2014 so I am on a very strict ‘no dating’ rule now so I have no complications to my plans 🙂 No Indian romance in my future, just a nice year ahead with friends which is going to be wonderful – angela
      3. Best wishes in your new journey. I have been reading your blog for a little while now.. Angela
      4. Very kind of you to take the time to comment, thanks so much!!! 🙂 -Angela
      5. haiiii sweet i like youuu
2. I agree most people judge the book by its cover. But let’s face it, not everyone has patience to read the entire book, though it is about relationships and more importantly if they don’t have to read it. I respect all cultures and there is positive in every culture that can be gained by dating or marrying people from other culture. However, this needs a lot of patience and understand from each other, which unfortunately has low statistics in this dynamic world. I am an Indian who dated American and still love her though she left me because of cultural misunderstanding. No regrets, no complains, just love 🙂
  1. I know that if a white woman gives me a chance and holds my hand, she will NEVER leave me guaranteed. Why? I just know it.
    1. Ajay, I am not sure if you dated one or plan to date one. Good luck!
      1. I never dated one, but intend to. I told you about the ignorance around here and it makes the job more challenging. They make statements like I am not 100% Canadian and when I counter question them, they fade away.
    2. I wish I could find a man like u
      1. Gigi, you can tell me about yourself and then let us see.

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