Dating guy with an abusive ex

"You know, you have the characteristics of a dog."

I'd just woken up, still tired after a long flight the previous day.

"What do you mean?"

"The way you were looking out the plane window when we landed. You're a nosey parker. You behave like a dog."

I sat up in bed, confused. In the past 24 hours my boyfriend had also called me an idiot and told me I looked like shit. Earlier that week, he'd called me beautiful and told me he loved me. A day before that I was "f*cking embarrassing".

Why would he say something hurtful, I asked.

"It's just an observation."

When I first met Sam* five months earlier, he hadn't made observations like that. He was nice. The kind of down-to-earth, non-dick-pic-sending guy you'd like to meet through a dating app. We could talk about almost anything. The banter was great and there was chemistry.

Having experienced domestic violence from my father as a child, I'd always been wary of men and their tempers. I noticed a few glimpses of anger in Sam but dismissed them as reasonable, nothing to worry about. Soon, we met each other's families and — bonus — our dogs got along too.

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But about three months in, I felt a knot form in the pit of my stomach. It was on my birthday, when he missed his train to dinner with my family.

He rang me. "The f*cking train's f*cking 20 minutes away and I can't understand a word the f*cking announcer's saying…"

The rant lasted a few minutes.

The next day I said I was concerned about his temper. Leaning back with his eyes closed, he apologised. He was sorry, but I mustn't label him "quick-tempered". Then a kiss, followed by "I love you".

I hoped that would be it. But the incidents became frequent. Trips to the supermarket would often end with him cursing at the self-checkout machines and then apologising to me.

I learnt that Sam had hardly any friends and few nice things to say about his colleagues (the women who disagreed with him were "bitches").

He'd tease his mother with belittling jokes. Then he started criticising my friends. When I stood up for them or asked him to stop calling women bitches, he'd withdraw for a day or two and I felt like I was being punished. I'd start to reconsider the relationship but then he'd be kind and affectionate again.

Know the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship

I stayed because he wasn't always angry. During his "good moments" things were great. And at least his anger isn't directed at me, I thought. For now. My stomach tightened.

Matt Garrett, a psychologist at Relationships Australia NSW, says one way to identify an emotionally abusive relationship early on is the gut feeling you have.

"If there's a feeling and you think, 'Hmm… something's not quite right' … it's most important to listen to one's inner voice, that feeling in the pit of your stomach or the tightness in the chest," he says.

Family and domestic violence support services:

Mr Garrett says things like a sudden withdrawal of affection or calling someone too sensitive usually appear further along in the relationship.

Other signs, he says, can be overly nice behaviour and how a person speaks about others.

"If you're hearing things that don't sit comfortably with you… especially if it's [as if] no-one seems to be able to avoid their criticism, then you can well imagine you're going to be next in line," he says.

Soon, the flirty banter turned mean. Sam mocked my accent and the cute nicknames gave way to "you stooge".

When I questioned this, he told me I was too sensitive. He said I was controlling and called me hard work (the last while I was giving him a foot rub). I believed him.

I felt a heaviness in my chest. Some mornings I'd wake up with my heart thudding so hard I gave up coffee and tea, blaming caffeine for my anxiety.

I was being a foolish optimist when we booked our overseas holiday. I thought it would be a great way to learn more about him. I even packed muesli bars to keep him from getting hangry.

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Overseas his behaviour was like back home, except … compressed. His mood would change within minutes.

I became too nervous to speak. Even my silence annoyed him.

"Are you having a sulk? You being stroppy?" he asked. Five minutes later, he'd cheerfully hold my hand. I understood what "walking on eggshells" meant.

When we returned home and he made the dog comments and left my place, I broke down.

Mr Garrett says emotional abuse can create self-doubt and be destabilising. He says it's especially difficult when the person is being charming one moment and rude the next.

"For somebody who's uncertain and unsure about what this behaviour actually is … it can have a fairly significant effect on their sense of self-worth and confidence."

Seek a second opinion from an independent person

I could have called my friends for advice, but I knew what they'd say ("He's a douchebag, ditch him"). I was confused and needed someone objective.

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I searched "unhealthy relationships + advice" on my phone. 1800 RESPECT came up. I rang the helpline and was soon speaking with a counsellor. I chose to speak anonymously.

"I'm not sure if my relationship is healthy," I began.

Over 20 minutes, I told her what had been happening. I said I must be too sensitive. She told me to stop second-guessing myself.

"He's emotionally abusing and manipulating you."

Mr Garrett's advice for anyone in a similar situation is to get independent feedback. He recommends 1800 RESPECT, its accompanying website or a relationship therapist.

"You don't have to take on what they say, but you owe it yourself to get a second opinion about your thoughts," he says.

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Towards the end of my call, the counsellor asked what I wanted to do.

I thought about the inspirational quotes I have saved on my phone. One of them is a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

I told the counsellor I wanted to end things with Sam. I felt a weight lift off my chest. The knot in my stomach was gone.

It was a hard decision to make but I have no regrets.

And thankfully, I can drink coffee again.

*The names of people in this story have been changed for privacy reasons.