Some Reasons Why They Can’t (or Won’t) Sleep Over
Sometimes people don’t want to spend the night
When given the option, I prefer to sleep alone. This is because I almost always sleep better whenever I have the bed (and the bedroom) to myself. I can sprawl out, keep the temperature at a level I’m most comfortable with and not worry about kicking someone in the middle of the night when I’m dreaming restless dreams.
Because of this, I will occasionally decide to not spend the night with someone I have just—you know—“slept with,” and other times people elect not to spend the night with me.
Sometimes people simply don’t want to sleep over.
Here are a few potential reasons why.
They’re too excited about the fact that they’ve just had sex with a beautiful person like you and know they won’t be able to sleep, so instead they feel they must walk (or frolic) all the way home, no matter how far that is, while they listen to Hall & Oates’s “You Make My Dreams” on repeat.
They have to go home and let their (stuffed) dog out.
They really have to take a shit, and they’re absolutely not going to do that at your place. In fact, they wouldn’t even entertain such a notion until you’ve been together for at least one fiscal quarter.
When sleeping in unfamiliar places, they have a tendency to sleepwalk and sometimes sleep-eat, and don’t want to wake up in your basement laundry room or something, covered in guacamole and peanut butter, which has happened before.
They’re a little bit worried there are monsters under your bed or in your closet, and how the fuck are they supposed to know for sure that there aren’t unless they look, which might freak you out? Sure, they could wait until you go to the restroom or something, but as they’ve learned in the past, there’s no guarantee this will happen, and they’ll be stuck there all night vaguely fearing for their own life. Even though they know that the likelihood is slim to literally impossible, there’s still that flicker of doubt, and that flicker of doubt can be extremely powerful.
The Chinese place they order and eat shrimp from on a nightly basis doesn’t deliver to your area, and they have to make it home before it closes.
Because they have a rule: no sleepovers on school nights. They know they won’t sleep too well with other people outside of their familiar bed and its surroundings, and while they did have a great time with you, they aren’t ready to sacrifice a needed night’s rest for a prolonged cuddle session followed by their tossing and turning and feeling bad not only because they’re awake, but also because they’re keeping you awake as well. Please don’t be too offended by this. If they could sleep anywhere with anyone, they surely would, and they’re not leaving in an attempt to make you feel anything negative. Maybe try again on the weekend if you had a good time.
They begin their day, without fail, with a very particular routine that includes certain mandatories, like weeping in the shower, as they think about the day ahead of them, practicing the Wim Hof Method or some type of meditation to quell the weeping, preparing a shake or an omelet, etc.
They’re disappointed in their performance and would like to retreat home in shame to chastise themselves while reviewing their internal recording of the previous proceedings for spots where they might improve if ever they get another shot.
They talk in their sleep and are afraid of what you might hear.
They have medicine at home that they have to take either tonight or tomorrow morning, or else there are going to be negative consequences.
The morning commute from your apartment to their workplace would be insane, and they also do not feel like wearing to work the same outfit from the previous day, because then people might notice and inquire about their personal business, and they like to keep that detached from their work life the best they can.
They have to get home to the family they have not told you about.
They just straight-up don’t want to.
They’re deathly allergic to your cat but don’t want to tell you, because they don’t want to offend either you or the cat.
They promised their roommate they would be home in time to tell them a bedtime story.
They can sleep only in a very specific atmosphere, with the temperature at 68 degrees or lower and both a fan roaring and a white-noise machine playing simulated rain sounds.
They believe that sleeping in a stranger’s bed is more intimate than being sexually intimate with them (ditto for holding hands, strange as that is), and they’re not yet ready for that level of intimacy, which is weird to think about, but just because something is weird doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Hunter Walk, investor and former head of product at YouTube. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
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