Asian bisexual for dating

An advantage of being bisexual is that you have more choices and are able to see beauty in a comprehensive way, says one interviewee. Photo: Li Hao/GT

Only 15 percent of 18,000 lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people surveyed in 2015 came out to their parents, a joint study titled Being LGBTI in China found.

On average, only 12.2 percent of Chinese approve of homosexuality, according to the 2010 China General Social Survey.

Bisexuals are often portrayed as the black sheep in the LGBTQ community, commonly stereotyped as confused, promiscuous and selfish.

However, Beijing has a small and welcoming LGBTQ community where bisexuals seem to feel comfortable expressing themselves.

"Beijing has become one of the most LGBT-friendly cities, which provides the LGBT community with a much better environment," John Shen, program officer at the Beijing LGBT Center told City Weekend Beijing in 2016.

To get a better understanding of what it means to be bisexual in Beijing, the Metropolitan spoke to three bisexual women and gave them a chance to speak for themselves.

Some bisexual women feel that their sexual orientation is not taken seriously by other groups. Photo: Li Hao/GT

"I don't want to make up my mind" - Lucy, 26, Briton

I've been dating mostly women for the past year. Maybe the men in Beijing aren't really my type?

I find it difficult to fit into a very traditional feminine role in relationships, and that has been a problem in the past.

If you'd asked me one year ago, I would not have said I'm bisexual, but I wouldn't have said I was straight either. I never felt it was necessary to put this label on myself, despite the fact that I have always felt attracted to both women and men since I was a teenager.

After I broke up with my boyfriend, I started to reconsider a few things about myself that I wanted to bring to the foreground.

So, recently, I've started saying that I'm bisexual. It's useful to have this label for other people to see you and for interacting with them.

I never felt a need to come out to my family. I grew up feeling that my identity didn't have to be defined by traditional values. My sister also experimented with bisexuality growing up.

The rest of my extended family is very traditional; I would never tell them. I have a gay cousin, and for him, it's even more difficult. At family dinners, they would all talk about him and whisper.

I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality around most of my friends in Beijing. I have a few friends that are active in the LGBTQ community here, but I would like to have more.

I'm always falling in love with my friends, so that is kind of a risk for me with female friendships. But it's fine.

I have not experienced a lot of judgment in Beijing. It's more tolerant here in China than it would be in the UK. I feel safer. I can go to an international bar with my girlfriend, and we could kiss, and nobody would say anything.

My Chinese friend, a very traditional woman, was disappointed when she found out that I was seeing a girl. She said if I like men as well, why can't I just wait for the right man to come around and conform more to society.

A couple of times I experienced pushback from American men who say that it must be tough to be gay in China, but then it would be them that were saying the horrible things. That was very hypocritical.

The classic thing that people think about bisexuals is that they are confused and have to make up their minds. I don't want to make up my mind.

The worst part about being bisexual is maybe battling with this thing that people think your identity is fake, either for attention seeking or just to be like "Oh, you make out with girls for boys."

I don't want to express my sexuality just for men. What I would want is for my sexuality to be for me and for my wants and desires to be the primary driving force for what I do rather than be a recipient of other people's things.

What I like about bisexuality is that you have more choices. To be able to see beauty in a more comprehensive way is an incredible privilege. I can pretend to be straight if I come across somebody that I don't feel comfortable coming out to. I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be a full part of the LGBTQ community because I don't have the same problems of discrimination and mainstream acceptance as a butch lesbian or a gay man for example.

"As long as I can marry a man" - Zhou Yutong (pseudonym), 28, Chinese

The first time was in high school with a good friend. I had some classmates that were clearly lesbians, complete tomboys. For girls, we did not feel that this was abnormal.

I was attracted to men, but when I saw a great woman, I also felt attracted to her. If you say you are lesbian, then people understand, but if you say you are bisexual, you get stigmatized. They say you are greedy. Lesbians sometimes don't like bisexuals.

"When was the last time you have kissed a girl?" they ask me. "You are just playing around."

I think it's good to have a label to get recognition. But I believe in the future people will just feel attracted to whoever they want and gender is going to be an outdated category.

My friends, they don't know that I have a girlfriend now, but they are okay with me being bisexual.

One day I sent my mom a picture of my girlfriend cooking for me. She was like, "Oh, who is that, a boy?"

I said, "No, she is a girl."

"So is she gay?"

"Yeah."

I wondered if I should say no because otherwise she would keep asking questions.

And then she was like, "Is she trying to get you?"

And I said, "No, I try to get her."

"You cannot do that, or your dad will have a heart attack," she said.

So, I am not dying to come out to them. But I told my mom that she had to accept the fact that I am also attracted to women. She said, "OK, as long as you are not against the idea of marrying a man."

My parents are still together, but their relationship is worse than if they were divorced. So, I tell them I don't want to just marry a guy and end up like them.

This city is just like a melting pot of people from different backgrounds, and then they don't have much that holds them back. I can feel the difference every time I go back to my hometown in Guangdong Province. Everyone knows what you are doing, and there is not much going on.

I think Beijing is quite LGBTQ-friendly because there is less violence.

Chinese girls, even the straight ones, hold hands and there are so many gay couples in Sanlitun, and people are pretty easygoing with that.

"Not bisexual, just sexual" - Manon (pseudonym), 25, French

I had always known, but I never pushed to make it happen.

I wouldn't say it's something totally fixed on a 50-50 percent ratio. Sometimes I am more attracted to women, sometimes men. I would not say I am bisexual; I am just sexual.

I have never been interested in joining the LGBTQ community. I think it's great to talk about sexuality, but I don't like the labeling. I've met many people in Beijing that are queer. They talk more freely about it because we already don't fit into the mainstream societal model as foreigners. Somehow, people think if you have never been with a woman, how can you be bisexual? So, I wouldn't think of it as a real thing because I always had relationships with men.

At some point, I had something more serious with a woman. When I started introducing her to my friends and family members, I had to put a label on it. It felt more credible, even if inside me nothing had changed. I have a mental barrier about that. I don't even totally take myself seriously because most people don't. Even when I have a girlfriend, some people I care about think it's a phase or don't react.

One day I told my mom I was bisexual, and she didn't really react. Maybe she thought I was joking. My parents are totally open-minded. Sometimes I am not sure if they really care or not. They are also divorced, so they might not feel entitled to judge me. I started having several relationships at the same time but with the agreement of everyone.

My current boyfriend knew from the beginning that there was also a girl in my life. He is not the most open-minded person on polyamorous relationships but has no problem with me being queer. To have someone to accept you the way that you are is quite precious. He also followed me to China.

At some point, I made a mistake. I quit my apartment in Paris and lived both at my girlfriend's and my boyfriend's. It was not so easy for me because it reminded me of my childhood when I was constantly switching between my parent's houses.

It was also tiring trying to maintain two full-time relationships. It would have been comfortable for me to have dinner with them at the same time but they wanted to keep it separate. They didn't say anything, but I could feel that it was slowly becoming painful for everyone. So, I had to make a choice.