Dating more than one girl game

Dear Eva,

I have been using Tinder for about a month, and contrary to what I expected it worked right away. I quickly found two women that I have tons of things in common with and started having great conversations with both of them.

I have been dating both for a couple of weeks and it’s getting kind of serious with one of them, but I still feel like I am not ready to commit.

Is it wrong to keep dating both? Do I have to explicitly tell them that I am also seeing someone else? (I doubt anybody would take that well.) I feel like it happened so fast, and I want to make sure I’m not missing out on anyone else – but I also don’t want to be a jerk.

Hey, you.

When I received your email I was walking down the street with a girlfriend and I read it out loud to her. “You have to hear this!” I said. “It’s a message from an ethical person who is using Tinder!” “Wow!” she replied. “You found the only one!”

This is a bit of an exaggeration – I’m sure several ethical people use Tinder – but the fact is, it’s a lot better known for being a tool that people use to be, well, tools. So, thank you for this refreshing request for help in avoiding being a jerk.

I think it’s pretty accepted among users of dating apps that everyone is seeing several people at once

I think it’s pretty accepted among users of Tinder and other dating apps that everyone is seeing several people at once (at least, potentially) until you have a conversation about commitment. So the fact that you have been seeing them both is not the end of the world. However, you say things are getting “kind of serious” with the first woman you’re dating – I don’t know how you qualify “serious” but my reading, without more detail, is that you believe the first woman might feel hurt or betrayed if she learned about the second one. Most people wouldn’t feel that way after two dates with someone they met on Tinder, but they would after a month and several nights of passion.

That you’re asking for permission (so to speak) to keep dating the second woman makes me think your interest in the first one is waning, or is not commensurate with the “kind of serious” nature of your other relationship.

You say that you don’t want to miss out on someone who is a better match for you, but these are people we’re talking about; it’s not like you bought two sweaters at a store and are wearing them both around the house before returning one.

Unless you’re certain that the first woman is a fan of open relationships, I would suggest you break up with her in as kind a way as possible, which is to say, with swiftness and empathy. This may make you feel like a jerk at the time, but is much less jerky than doing it after she spends another month with you.

Love,
Eva