The dangers of dating a darring women

True-life stories

Walker: The question of sex

My husband was diagnosed in his mid-40s with MS. I was his primary caregiver, even after we divorced. (We divorced in 2004 and he died in 2013.) I don't want to start out dating someone who is going to require my assistance anytime soon. Sex is something of an issue, too: The older we get, the more complicated it can get. I've never dated nor had the desire to date a much younger guy. Sexually, I want a man who is older and more mature and knows how to take his time. We have shifting expectations as we age. Traits I would have said no to in the past I'd consider now. Prior to now I looked for what would fit my needs in a socially driven way. Now I could care less. Because I've changed a lot. I'm open to trying new things. Some people like taking care of someone else. Some men will look for a younger woman to take care of them. People need to contemplate what that looks like. What could happen with that person? Are you willing to give things up to care for them? You must have the conversation.

Darrin: Older man, younger man ... met online

Before it happened to me, I knew some other dads at my kid's school who ended up with younger women. I was pretty judgmental about it, though I didn't have a rule about it. After my divorce I went on OkCupid. I wasn't sure if I was interested in dating a man or a woman. I'd never dated a man before and I was more open than normal to trying different things. I met my husband online. He was 26 and I was 49. The first hour of our first date was pretty bad. I was trying to be charming but I realized I was not coming off as charming. Once I stopped trying so hard we had lots to talk about in terms of shared interests. But when I first saw him I thought, Uh-oh, this guy looks like a high school student. It threw me off my game.

Age should not be a barrier in love. The truth is you don't know how long someone will live and if you pass up love because you feel like it's not going to be a 50-year plan, you could be missing the love of your life. Divorce taught me age alone doesn't give you a 50-year plan. As for my husband, he's younger but kind of an old soul. We both have the same energy towards life. I wouldn't be attracted to another 26-year-old. It was him.

Beth: Older man, younger woman ... and afraid of what's to come

I've been with my husband since I was 38 and he was 47. Now I'm 66 and he's 75 and I'm starting to see a bigger difference, physically. It's hard to know why because he had prostate cancer three years ago, and had hormone blocking. So, is he walking slower because he's 75 or because of the effects of the hormone blocking and radiation? Going forward, I'm a little envious that most of my friends have partners within a year or two of their own age, and I worry I'll be the first widow among my friends. Even though I know that anyone could just drop at any moment.

Maya: Older woman, younger man ... and they didn't know

I'm in a domestic partnership and my partner is 14.5 years younger. We've been together for seven and a half years. We're both serious-minded people with similar principles and ideas of what a relationship should be. When we found out we had a huge age difference, we were already living together for two months and shocked. We just assumed we were in each other's age group. His birthday was coming up and he was turning 28. I was 42. We had a conversation and a moment of huh? And for a tiny amount of time it bothered him especially. It's had no impact on our lives whatsoever, likely because of the specifics of who he is. Our belief systems play a part, too.

I have two teens who live with us. I asked him if he wanted biological kids. He said he didn't think it was necessary. We got a dog together, instead. For younger people, especially in these relationships, you have to consider health issues. His dad was sick and he cared for him as a teen. It was traumatic. But after he got over the knee-jerk reaction to my age, he was like, Oh wait, she's probably gonna live longer than me. It's funny — people think he's older than me.

Love by the numbers

In an interview with Glamour, Rachel Sussman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York, said some of the challenges of a relationship with a big age gap involve people outside the union. “You can see varied cultural references, disapproval from family and friends, and perhaps community disapproval, as well,” she said. “It might be hard to relate to each other's peer groups, too.”

What couples want and need

So if age doesn't always connect us, what does? Most people I spoke to said interests, respect, energy and values. And all agreed that communication about these things, and the expectations that come with an age gap, are key. Perhaps this quote from Cynthia summed up the feelings of most respondents:

"I'm 60, my husband is 68, and yes, I'm beginning to see physical differences in some ways — but he's still tons stronger than I, still all the things he ever was. And you really don't know who's going to go first. My mother died at 61. My dad lived to be 81. Bottom line: All good marriages end the same way — with one being left behind."

So ... does love conquer all?

That's something for all of us to consider — especially now, when life and the passing years seem more precious than ever before. What my husband and I have found is that in a long-term relationship, each individual grows separately as well as together, just not always at the same time, and at the same pace. What's important is knowing that's going to happen and that it's OK. Perhaps it's not so much a question of whether love conquers all, but whether you're committed to working through the various stages of life … even if that means listening to way too many ‘60s guitar solos.

More Disrupt Aging