What to do if you find your partner on a dating app
Imagine the following scenario: you’re with your best mate, swiping through a dating app on their behalf.
Because even though you are in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you don’t like to window shop, as well as make sure your friend ends up with someone kind and funny that you can double-date with.
And then there it is: your partner’s face, glaring up at you with his/her best ‘come-hither’ look in a profile that clearly states ‘I’m available’.
Before you let the panic set in, there’s one very important factor to determine: is this a new or updated profile, or just remnants from a former single life? Most dating apps will keep your profile in their system even if you delete the app itself, so this could very well be the case.
However, if there are new photos – like one from the group holiday to Ibiza that you both went on a month earlier – then it’s likely an active profile.
Once you’ve determined this is indeed the case, you have limited options on how to proceed.
‘Dating apps can be a minefield, but it’s important to remember that the majority of singles in the UK have at least one profile,’ relationship experts at JigTalk, a new dating app, tell Metro.co.uk.
‘If you find your partner on one, before reacting, think rationally – could it be an old profile that your partner never got round to deactivating perhaps?
‘If you think that’s the case, let them know it has upset you – their reaction should tell you everything you need to know about the seriousness of your relationship.’
You could ask them to delete it.
After all, if they are happy in your relationship, why do they need to keep an inactive profile on an app designed to help people find love?
‘If you’re adamant it’s live or they refuse to delete the account, then take it as a sign that your relationship isn’t meant to be,’ JigTalk experts said.
‘If they are looking elsewhere then clearly they don’t have the maturity or respect for you that they should have or that you deserve.
‘Confront them, and see what they have to say, but if your gut is telling you something is wrong, then it probably is. It’s time to get rid of them, and fast!’
Relationships aren’t black and white, and breaking up is not the only solution to this scenario.
Ask your partner if there is a specific reason as to why they are still on the app – it’s worth discussing before you cut the cord.
Before you sit down with them, take a breath and collect your thoughts, Dr Becky Spelman, a psychologist and relationship expert at We-Vibe, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘If you find your partner’s profile on a dating app and if you have a particularly strong emotional reaction, wait until your emotions have reduced before you approach the topic, try not to make assumptions about the situation until you give them the opportunity to explain,’ she said.
‘When you do approach the topic with them, start with a positive statement which is true such as “I really care about you and this is why I am bringing this topic up, I have learned that you have a profile on a dating app and this upset me, I am wondering if there is an explanation as to why the profile is there?”.
‘Who knows, it might be from before the relationship or there may be another reason, which isn’t as bad as what you think.
‘During this conversation ask for what you need, “I need you to remove this profile and promise that you leave all dating sites”.
‘After the conversation, check in on your feelings, how did your partner make you feel in that conversation, loved, valued and respected or something else?
‘If you still don’t feel right about things and your partner’s behaviour consistently triggers you to feel upset, then you have every right to consider leaving that relationship and this might be the healthiest choice for you.’
More: Sex
Everyone has different limits when it comes to emotional cheating and some only consider it to be cheating if the person acts on it.
For instance, some people are OK with flirting, others are not. There are also couples who indulge in fantasies where this type of behaviour could be a turn-on, if you’re both on the same page and aware of what’s happening.
It’s important to talk about where you draw the line, before you settle down with a partner.
Should you find yourself in a situation where you do not feel comfortable or where your significant other is disrespecting you and your relationship, then it’s time to talk – or walk away.
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