Dating virgin guys

Question: Dear Tanya, I am anxious about dating as I am in my 30s and still a virgin. I have never had a relationship and only kissed people once or twice after a lot of alcohol was consumed. How can I overcome my fear and start dating?

Answer: In my work I meet folks who are very distressed that they have not lost their virginity.

They get progressively anxious as time passes and they remain either dateless or sexually inexperienced.

This ranges from people in their late teens right up to people in their 50s and beyond.

Firstly, can I say — there is nothing wrong with you. We live in a world that emphasises sex and sexual activity, and that can make folks who are not sexually active or very sexual feel as if they are some kind of freak or misfit.

This is not the case at all. There are many people who, through either circumstance or decision, find themselves in this position.

It's important to remember that you are not alone by any means. Despite the emphasis on sex in today's world, there are so many reasons people find themselves without any sexual experience.

Meet Tanya Koens

Clinical and somatic sexologist and relationship counsellor Tanya Koens answers your questions on those tricky issues many of us experience in (and outside) the bedroom.

Choice

Some people decide they would like to keep sex as something for marriage or a committed relationship.

In many cases their cultural or religious beliefs dictate this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all.

The trick here is to be careful of messages of shame around sex outside of marriage. These messages can remain with people even when they do find themselves in culturally appropriate sexual situations and can lead to problems.

Either there is so much expectation built up and they expect things to resemble what they have seen on the TV and in the movies (sadly, this is not a true depiction of sex), or the feeling that sex is somehow bad and dirty can prevail.

No opportunity

Although most of us have an awkward time growing up and learning about sex and relationships, for some it's trickier than others.

They may have had protective parents, been a late developer, been shy, or lacked self-confidence or not socialised with the type of folks they would like to date.

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In other cases, people may experience oppression based on their looks, heritage, cultural differences, ability, sexuality or gender.

It's not easy to work against this, particularly when it is implicit in the way society operates.

They may have internalised negative messages about themselves and formed beliefs they are not worthy of, or able to, conduct sexual relationships.

A lot of the work I do with clients is looking at their beliefs around sex, what meaning they give to it and how they see themselves in relation to sex.

We examine self-beliefs, self-confidence and narratives that may or may not serve them.

Trauma

Some people have had sexual abuse or non-consensual sexual experiences at a young age or in their teens, and this can put them in a situation where they are having to understand and manage trauma symptoms.

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If there is a trauma background the first step is to work with your trauma. It's a complex thing and it's not about getting the symptoms to go away.

Rather it's learning when you are impacted and how to manage that. Learning how to ground yourself if you dissociate, learning how to remain in your body if you are triggered, and understanding what triggers are.

This is not easy work and I recommend doing it with a trauma-trained therapist.

Fear or anxiety

Fear and anxiety is the most common reason that folks struggling with sexual experience present with.

It stems from the things I have already mentioned or just simple, straightforward anxiety.

This can come about from too much information, such as looking at porn and thinking that is what real sex is like, or that they need to perform in the same way as the people in the porn (remember this is adult entertainment, it's not real!)

For some, the stuff they saw in sex education classes freaked them out, fear of disease, pregnancy or just the whole mechanics of sex.

These fears can be kicking around inside their heads for a long time and feel like truths.

So, what to do?

Despite the myriad reasons people can find themselves in this situation — there seems to be a common theme behind the folks who are having problems.

That is anxiety. They are worried about sex. Frightened they may never get a chance to find out what all the fuss is about.

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Worried that people will not understand their situation or, worse, lose interest in them.

Worried that they will make a fool of themselves or somehow get sex wrong. Worried it will hurt. Worried their lack of experience will result in their partner having a bad experience.

Or they can't shake the messages they have breathed in about sex — that it's wrong, bad, dirty, something shameful.

When you think about it, that's a lot of stuff to be getting into bed with you, right?

Once people get to a stage where they feel that they "should" have lost their virginity, it starts to become something they worry about.

This doesn't help the situation, and comparing yourself to someone who isn't you will definitely cause stress.

Lack of experience does not make you undesirable. Lack of experience does not make you "bad" at anything.

As with all things in life, it is more about how you show up to situations that are new that will dictate the quality of the experience you have.

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The first approach then is to deal with the anxiety. Learn to notice thoughts that you may be having about sex. Are they useful?

Thinking things like "I will be bad at this" or "I am afraid of getting it wrong" will not serve you.

Can you change your narrative to "I am nervous but open to learning" or "This is a new experience, I will enter it with curiosity rather than having expectations".

An important thing to remember is that when we are learning anything with our bodies, it will feel clunky.

So, if you are feeling a bit awkward and clunky, that's great! You are learning things. No need to apologise for that! Be kind to yourself in your thoughts — everyone has a first time for many things.

You are not expected to be an expert. Just to show up and be yourself.

The most important ingredient for good sex is to be present. You can't be present if you are anxious.

Your brain will time travel into the future to the point that you are worried about. It may only be a minute or two ahead in time.

And then your brain will give you the stress as if the thing you are worried about is actually happening. That's not sexy and certainly won't help you relax.

The best way to try and keep yourself present is to tune into your senses and what is happening in the body.

Does it feel nice to be touch or kissed that way? Do you like how your partner smells? Are you enjoying touching them? Focus on the sensations, not the worries in your head.

Keep coming back to your body — that's where the fun is!