Online dating girl upset when im away

Dear Eva,

I’d been cheerfully single for about 3.5 years, and wasn’t looking for anyone when I met a wonderful man. We started seeing each other initially as friends – we have a lot of shared interests – and then one day he jumped on me and the relationship became increasingly physical. So far, so good – until we were both looking at something on his laptop, and a dating website came up as one of his most visited sites.

I asked him about this, and told him that while I had no wish to pry into his personal life, the question for me was whether he was looking to keep his options open for now, it being early days. He denied it, said that he’d been telling any interested parties that he was involved with someone (me) – and that he’d look into taking down the profile.

I thought no more of it, apart from a feeling that something was “off” – then I visited the website about a month later. Cut a long story short, he’d logged in that day, not just to that site but to a related one. A quick Google search on his user name revealed another three, all with very recent logins. I raised this with him, and he still swore blind that he hadn’t met up with anyone since meeting me and was responding that he wasn’t available for a relationship. At that stage I was ready to end the relationship and leave him to it. He was still really, really insistent that he wasn’t looking for anyone else, and would look again at cancelling the sites.

We really do get on very well, which is why I’m hanging fire at the moment. He’s also a bit of a dipstick when it comes to computers (we’re both in our 50s and haven’t grown up with them, though I’m a lot more computer literate than he is) and given how I’ve seen him struggle with searches/purchases on eBay, I can appreciate that he might not be able to get his head round hiding a profile on a website so I haven’t cut and run. Yet.

Any thoughts?

•••

Hey, you.

It is true that lots of people set up online dating profiles without ever taking action or using them to meet someone. This has been most acutely demonstrated over the last week by the data dump from the Ashley Madison platform, which revealed that the site had millions of straight male subscribers, but very few women signed up.

In other words, many of the guys who claimed that they never used it to meet women were probably telling the truth: there were few women for them to meet. So I don’t think it’s impossible that the man you are dating is not actually using the site with intent to meet someone, so much as to flirt or assess his worth on the dating market. Anyone who has done online dating seriously will confirm that there always seems to be people lurking on the edges, folks who are up for a chat but not for a meeting. This may not be the most polite way to go about things, but it’s their prerogative.

But that said, even if this guy is an idiot with computers who isn’t getting together in person with women he’s meeting online, if he’s continuing to log in, it’s not unreasonable to conclude that he’s doing this to feel that he’s either keeping his options open, or that he’s looking for the ego boost that comes from strangers finding him attractive.

Neither reflects well on him, or his self-esteem, or the way that he feels about your relationship.

It is very kind of you to look for the best in this situation. I’m not sure that the man you’re seeing is being kind enough back. An extra tricky thing here is the kind of research that it’s taken you to reveal this activity. It would not be unreasonable for him to feel a bit miffed that you’re checking up on him behind his back; you are. But it’s also not unreasonable for you to feel a bit miffed that he’s doing exactly what you feared.

Here’s what I suggest: have an open, clear conversation with him about the kind of commitment you’re looking for. Don’t center it around whether or not he’s talking to women online; focus on the reality of your in-real-life relationship, and where you’d like to see it go. Six weeks isn’t too early to have a conversation about commitment. I think that conversation will help you learn pretty quickly whether you think it’s worth giving him a bit more time or whether it’s time for you to move on.

Love,

Eva