Fat ruining the dating market

“You should have a baby before your eggs totally dry up,” said the opening message on Plenty of Fish. “Your profile says you’re 36 and have no children. If you don’t hurry up you will die all alone,” Prince Charming continued.

When I told him this was frankly none of us his business he got angry and called me ugly (this guy was no Brad Pitt). I was baffled: Was this an actual tactic to get me to sleep with him? Were his words meant to make me feel desperate to procreate and unsure I could pull anyone else? Or was he just enjoying being mean?

My first dip into the world of online dating after leaving a long-term relationship had been an eye opener. Men on apps could be really nasty. That was a couple of years ago and I’m now happily loved up (actually thanks to Tinder). But I’ve been noticing a lot of online posts recently from women getting called hideous names, with lots focused on their weight. And it makes me feel really sad to see them question themselves.

I took to social media to ask women, and men, the rudest, or most abusive things they heard on dating apps. As I expected, I was inundated with females sharing their experiences.

‘He met me to put me down’

Rachel Turner, 26, had a hurtful experience on a first date organised through Plenty of Fish, or POF as it’s known. “It was my first date in six months. I’ve always had struggles with my weight and I’d lost eight stone.

“I was sat in a coffee shop and he came in and walked up to me and said ‘I have to go’. I asked why and he said ‘You’re too fat’ and he just left.

“It made me really angry and upset because I had a full photo of my body on my profile so it’s not like I’ve hidden my size. I can’t help feel he therefore met me to deliberately be nasty and put me down.”

The beautician, from Swindon, who has Asperger syndrome, found some of the comments from other women online unhelpful when she shared what happened to her. “There were people saying ‘learn to love yourself’. I do, and I’ve been single for the last four years bringing up my daughter so I know how to be on my own. I think anyone would be hurt by a personal comment like that.”

Sabrina Faramarzi, a 27-year-old journalist who lives between London and Berlin, says she was a size eight and wearing tight leggings when on a first date she was told she had a “fat vagina”.

“He just came out with it randomly around 20 minutes in,” she said. I asked if he’d ever seen a vagina. He tried to explain that yes, he had, and that the fat on my vagina is a different section to my gut. I laughed at him and it all went rather quiet after that. It was just rude. I was like ‘well that was fun!’ (sarcastically) and left.”

‘I didn’t reply, he called me a bitch’

Many women reported men getting nasty when they were rejected, or perceived to be. “First message I got from a guy on Tinder was: ‘How long will it take for your luscious lips to wrap around my c*ck?’ I didn’t reply, he called me a bitch and blocked me…” said Stephanie Barnes, from London, who works in PR.

Shannon Kyle said: “A guy once told me on a date ‘I hate what childbirth does to women’s bodies after the age of 30’. I was 31 and had a daughter.”

Cassie Fox recalled her worst date.“’I could take you home now and f*ck you, but I wouldn’t want to see you again afterwards’. I said ‘Ok … and why’s that, out of interest?’ He said ‘You’ve sworn constantly throughout dinner. I’m looking for the mother of my children, not a foul-mouthed whore’. Made him pay for my cab home. C*nt.”

Sarah Brown said: “I was told by a guy that ‘for a girl with a great personality it’s a shame my looks weren’t up to much’. Actually the words he used were ‘look like a dog’. Three years later I am in a student bar and this same guy (yes, really) began chatting me up then asked me out. I turned him down with some satisfaction.”

‘Not hot enough’ put downs

“Sexual rejection may be particularly threatening to some men’s performance of masculinity”

Laura Thompson

Student Laura Thompson’s PhD research investigates women’s experiences of harassment and sexual violence whilst using dating apps, which she says has become “more visible”. She says women face a “never-ending task” to protect themselves from unwanted attention and this “unjust burden” is becoming worse with new communication methods.

She published a study on the Bye Felipe and Tinder Nightmares social media pages, which publish examples of messages that women have received. “The most common type of insult were those that targeted a woman’s appearance,” she notes (these include “fat”, “ugly”, etc). Sexualised and gendered slurs (slut, whore, bitch) are also ubiquitous.

One category she puts the vitriol in is “the not hot enough discourse”. The man insulting a woman’s looks is an attempt to establish dominance over women and take control of negotiations of sex. He is trying to make her feel “not hot enough” in the sexual marketplace so she has little to no bargaining power and so is indebted to respond favourably to his (or any man’s) advances.

Sexual rejection is just a part of life for all of us but Laura notes “may be particularly threatening to some men’s performance of masculinity”. She notes that mostly this happened after a woman had ignored a message or communicated disinterest, even politely.

Belief men should be the sexually dominant

The men who feel males should be dominant and in a more powerful position when it comes to seeking sex, are thrown by sexual liberated women taking charge and the rejection that can come with that.

Double standards stubbornly persist, says Laura. “Women who appear in public, sexualised spaces (i.e. “hookup” apps) may thus face abuse for not living up to impossible demands to be sexually available (and not prudish) but not “slutty”.”

Challenging toxic masculinity

“I wonder if with the younger lads it’s fuelled by the aggressive, degrading porn they’re watching”

Anonymous man

One man in his 30s, who didn’t want to be named, told ihe felt sometimes “banter” crossed over into “misogyny” with his group of work colleagues.

“There’s a Whatsapp group we’re all in. The guys share some dark humoured things, sometimes trying to out-do one another but it’s mainly harmless banter.

“But now and again I felt the chit chat about women can cross the line. One bloke was calling a girl he’d briefly dated up a ‘bitch’ and an ‘easy whore’ and was sharing naked images of her and everyone was laughing. It just sounded like it hadn’t worked out and she’d done nothing to deserve that.

“I think you see sexism across all ages, but I wonder if with the younger lads it’s fuelled by the aggressive, degrading porn they’re watching. I don’t join in when it gets like that. It’s hard to say ‘Mate, you’re being a tw*t. You’re really just sore she’s not into you.’ Though thinking about it, I think I will start trying to challenge it, because it’s not right, is it?”

Their issues not yours

“Realise that the attack says more about the man and his issues than it does about you”

Psychotherapist Helena Lewis

Psychotherapist and psychologist Helena Lewis, owner of On Route Health, said the vitriol displaying on apps is too socially accepted.

“Dating apps have an anonymity element which can help people feel more brazen about being nasty, but it’s beyond that— this toxic masculinity is rooted in our culture and beliefs about gender,” she said. “When it’s really not okay.”

Helena also felt dating apps could be killing romance, as they are for the most part, appearance-based and it’s easy to feel like a commodity in a “meat market”.

“People can keep swiping and swiping like they’re shopping and people are aware they are competing with a number of potential suitors. There’s a sense of disposability about it all, and that can make relationships suffer.”

So how should you react if you’re unlucky enough to be bashed by a man online?

“Firstly, there’s the immediate response in looking after yourself and making sure you’re safe. Women often feel calling the guy out brings them some control.

“Then afterwards when reflecting on it, it’s important to try not to internalise the nasty comments made, and realise that the attack says more about the man and his issues than it does about you.”